talked to the doctor about Spanish of all random things... which somehow led us into a discussion of ambivalence versus mixed emotions. we spent a decent portion of the hour talking about Mandy, who is uncharacteristically absent at the moment... then he asked me that lovely question he sometimes asks - when there's still enough time to actually discuss the answer: he asked if there was anything I'd regret not having talked about if I left without touching on it. so I told him about the call to Rogers (and how, before I did that, I wrote a letter to Dave)... how I've been missing them so much (obviously)... how it went really well except for a few statements, and he instantly understood how those statements disarmed me, and he seemed very confused by the fact that my character and the *healthiness* of my attachment to them is still misunderstood. eventually, he told me that he's worked with a lot of people in residential settings of one type or another, and that it's really common for them to have almost no goodbye ritual. apparently, they're often very good at welcoming someone in, but struggle with the separation... and to deal with that, they have some strange defenses. so his hypothesis was that Stephanie might find it hard to miss me and to know that I miss her, and that's why she says those randomly hurtful things. one of the last things I said before leaving was, "I just feel like they don't want anymore" (and even I was in shock to hear the "anymore") ... and he said it looked like quite the opposite. that if they didn't want me around, they could easily come up with some slick way to slip out of talking to me, but considering this behaviors - which, from his perspective, don't make sense unless they're somehow defensive - they probably want me very much. and as he said, that doesn't make it any less painful but it's something to keep in mind.
then he asked me how I was getting 'home' - and I told him I was walking and then taking the bus. (I almost typed "as usual"... mwa ha ha, "as usual.") walking in had been absolutely dreadful; I believe the humidity was pushing records - which is especially impressive here, where humidity is as everpresent as cold is in Wisconsin. and I was actually relieved to see the sky go dark during the appointment; I much prefer walking in the rain to walking in that thick, muggy air. but when I told my doctor that I was walking back to campus and waiting for a bus there, he gave me an umbrella. I swear to you. he reached into his bag, referenced Mary Poppins, and handed me an umbrella. I was a little shocked at the thoughtfulness and told him I'd be ok without it... to which he agreed but he still had me take it. I thought that was just about the nicest thing in the world.
and then, just after he'd given me something, (to make this an even bigger deal), when I went to leave, I asked him for a hug. it finally happened. mark this day in your calendars. or rather, don't. I can't handle any more anniversaries! but I did ask. we touched hands (it's more a hold than a shake) like we always do, and I asked him if I could have a hug, and he started to say "What?" as if he hadn't quite heard me, but then he realized what I'd said and hugged me. the splendid butterfly... and just as I was going, "oh, my godd! I asked my therapist for a hug for the first time in history, even though he'd just shown me kindness by giving me something else" he moved to open the door and said, "It was a very good hug," so that I melted long before I hit the rain.
godds, I'm fortunate.
and I did end up rather grateful for the umbrella. at first, it was barely raining and I just enjoyed it... and then it started to get a bit wet, so I opened it up and walked down the sidewalk. an umbrella is quite the prop, you know... I felt ever-so dramatic, walking down a sidewalk in the rain. (people here don't walk. they walk from buildings to cars to other buildings. but that's the extent of it.) it felt so nice, I thought about walking all the way home, but I'm glad I didn't as the rain had gotten pretty crazy by the time I reached campus, and my ankles were crying out for love. (they get mad at me when I walk without socks.) so I waited for the bus, slid into a seat and came here. I'm totally loving having been out in the rain...
yeay for me and for my darling doctor.
~me