stop me if you've heard this one.
11/23/05|3:07 p.m.

I don't know why I'm here. I seriously don't. I just went to something-fishy for what was probably the first time in years, and looked at their holiday board, and when I couldn't get myself logged-in, the only place I could think to go was here. I was just in Wisconsin. Wisconsin, Wisconsin, my beloved Wisconsin. I'm moving there. The trouble is I have no idea when. The trouble I can't make it happen any faster. The trouble is in the meantime, I'm losing my mind, the doctor was sick the day of my last appointment, and he'll be out of town for mine this week. Of course, I'm supposed to be out of town, too. At some point, I agreed to go to Kansas City for Thanksgiving, assuming that Thanksgiving would be hosted by the only person I know in Kansas City - my oldest brother. But no. That brother's now engaged, and the dinner part of Thanksgiving is at his soon-to-be-inlaw's house. Which would be fine if it were last year or the year before, but this year, I'm a total wreck, and it's not like I'm relapsing, but these days it is *so* hard... and if I could go into everything I've heard recently, and all my friends who won't be ok on Thursday... and how ok I won't be...

I actually thought about calling up my dad and asking him why the hell he did this to me. Instead I called my mom and asked her why the hell they had to get divorced. A question four days in Wisconsin with my dad more than answered for me, but I just... need...

I need to go back, I need to feel loved, I need to feel myself, I need to not be with strangers (I'm always with strangers), I need to know my friends are ok, and I need to feel thankful naturally, without giving a shit about turkey and mashed potatoes and pie.

I want to go home...