you say 'get a life' like it's easy.
08/25/04|3:10 p.m.

I really feel finished today. I know I'm not because I never am, but I really feel like I'm done.

Combination of things, really. Pretty total loss of faith and lack of understanding in terms of why the hell any of us are here and what happened to Dixie and to Tracy, a desperate desire to just be taking one fucking course at a university - to be taking a fucking gen ed. To have a friend in the same state I live in. To not be entirely alone. The shit with my dad, which I tried to write about last night, but my computer self-destructed in the process... the not-really-shit of coming-out-or-whatever.

I'm just trying so hard not to fight the reality of where things have to be right now. To accept the fact that I have to be in St. Louis, that I didn't have a typical past five years, that I can't do things someone without agoraphobia could do... I'm trying so hard to find some way, inside all of that, to have a life - and it's just not possible. I talk about tutoring or leading that writing group, and yeah, I would really love that, I think... but mostly, I want to be the one learning again. And I don't want to be in a writer's group, I don't want to take a class at COCA, I don't want to find another hobby. I want to go to school. I want to go to school and learn things, so that I'm closer to getting the degree that will let me help people as a career for my life.

I want a life. That's all. I don't have the pool anymore because the weather's crappy, and I don't have a way to protect my hair (because I haven't cared enough to find one), and it closes on Labor Day anyway. And my mom's work means that I can't get out with her basically ever. For instance every Wednesday, she's gone by six and not back until nine or ten. Tuesdays aren't much better. Last night, she told me something I could do here today (I don't even remember what), and she said if I did she'd be jealous. I said I was jealous of her, of the fact that she'd interact with *people* today... while I... just don't.

And since I'm too freaked out to take the bus anywhere other than the route I use to the doc, I can't go anywhere on my own.

So, even though I don't want to be normal so much, even though I understand that I won't have a normal life, or the life I expected to have... I just want one little piece of it. I would like a class. And a friend. I would like to be earning credits toward something; I would like to do more than kill time. I am trying, I am trying to have a life here, instead of focusing constantly on where I'm not... and it's just not possible.

~me

Latest
Older
Profile
Rings
Cast
Mail
Notes
Sign
Oodles
Chord
Nourish
Caged
Design
Diaryland