I feel more than a bit melancholy... like I'm about to start crying, but I'll probably be adorable doing so. I guess there's been a decent enough mix of happy and hurt lately to balance the tears. the weather was crappy today, so I couldn't go to the pool, and my mom's mood (more than her mood, her handle on life) has been rather rocky lately (I'm *so grateful* she has a session tomorrow)... so with her not up to doing anything after work and the pool not being an option, I felt pretty stuck. but I asked her if we could go to the library for about 30 minutes, and she agreed. she didn't sound at all enthused, and she was wearing pajamas at the time, but I decided to just let her word be her word. so. I hosed myself down, dorked myself up, and took on the town. had a poor time (I'm doing ok and all, but the anxiety made being out rather rotten... I didn't enjoy myself, and I'm tired of being in an apartment, and I need more ways to get out and feel safe) but secured several books to help my heart along. all by women (I indulged that silly tendency after a good long run of reading books by boys (as well), which I plan to return to, at some point.) mainly books by women with young, female, gay characters. I'm all fluttery-hearted, and I could kiss them for existing. I feel like it might be real, you know, after all. still rather scared to think that. but it might be real. and I don't feel so alone. just this second, I don't feel so entirely different.
been reading book recommendation lists on amazon... one of them said, "welcome to the club." ...I guess...that's how I want this to be. if this is going to be. I want to remember that it's about relation, not a hundred more reasons I'll end up alone.
one thing Jarrod said that I forgot to mention, one thing I found kind of interesting: ...he said he never would have guessed. I don't know how I feel about that. mixed. weird. maybe it's not real, if it's not noticeable... and does that mean I don't fit in? but I think I feel the *most* like - well, good. that means I'm still *me*...and I knew I was still just me to you... but I'm glad that I'm still a slightly shy subtle mystery girl. I don't want coming into this to mean conforming, especially to the bullshit parts of gay culture... but I also sort of understand that I'm going to eat it, breathe it, wear it, talk it, and wash in it for awhile. it is going to take over my life, temporarily.
is. if? is. if. one fucking letter.
I feel like a very young kid, safe even with my world in my hands. grateful. I feel like I'm falling asleep with my head on your shoulder, with my arm in your hand. and you'll stay by me, and I'll be ok.
(don't tell the doctor. it freaks me out to think of him seeing me accepting. two of us in the same room? both of us ok with it? no, that cannot be.)
if. if if is.
don't turn off the music, and if you must get up, leave a stuffed animal to mark your place. by me.
~me