ok, here's the deal. I'm going to tell you the happy blessing-in-the-midst-of-insanity story, even though you *are* going to comment on the midst-of-insanity entries. (right? good? yeah...? ok.)
so my head was, like, level 12, code puce, run-for-your-lives craziness last night. it was not cool. my head started spinning around on my neck, and my eyes rolled back into my head... ok, no, but what actually happened still sucked. somehow, I managed to (mainly) wriggle out of the migraine (although today I'm absolutely exhausted, and that usually means...whatever, blessing, blessing- I'm getting to it!) and I was very much confused by the fact that, despite feeling physically ok, I still couldn't bear to be awake. I was sleeping to avoid having to do anything, think anything, feel anything... and even though that makes complete sense (that's usually what happens to me when I'm going through something impossibly huge, and there's not a lot I can do about it... or...nothing) it surprised me. I'd gotten used to doing little on account of feeling sick, not on account of feeling rotten. so anyway, after I slept away part of the day, I entered the evening from hell, and I came here to try and distract myself with computerisms... but what with holidays and things, no one was updating lj, and I had no e-mail... and finally, I decided to go on IM. yes, we know how rare this is. [prepare for tense change.] and I don't even know if I 'should' be doing it because I really don't feel like chatting away with anyone; I really just feel like shit. I want to just yell all the muck out of myself and have someone who knows what to say respond, and that person doesn't seem to exist, etc.
and then I start talking to Jarrod, who happens to be the only person on-and-not-away. and it's fun. we're being silly, and I'm like - see, fun with Jarrod is a good distraction. and then he starts saying vague things. and I start responding with vague things. and I find myself wanting to type really ridiculous lines that one doesn't actually put in a conversation... such as:
"Yeah. my mom can be really cool. like when I told her it's really possible I like girls, she was all good about it."
or
"just so you know, I think maybe I'm gay."
or
"would it help speed this along if I mentioned that I think I like girls?"
because we're both being so vague, but there's just this feeling... this feeling in *me* that I'm going to explode if I don't 'say' something. (Jarrod said- later- "as much as I hate throwing it in people's faces, it's good to do sometimes. like, HEY!) ...and then this insistence that, the way he's talking/not talking... we're probably beating around the same damn bush. and then he says something to me about his new relationship, and he sends me a picture that doesn't send, and he says, "that's me and Marty." & I busy myself trying to see the picture, which isn't visible, and he starts to talk about how now is the moment when my jaw is dropping to the floor, and I'm like, "no, no, no! just...no picture!"
so then we spend an hour fighting instant messaging programs, but during this we start a conversation that's me saying, "so...unless I'm confused..." (i.e. unless by some like 5% chance, Marty is a girl) "we've been avoiding the same topic." and I wasn't confused. (miraculously. on that one particular front.) so then he starts talking, and showing me more pictures, and I feel like the whole world has just gotten a lot simpler. my lungs remember how to function, etc. and as he's telling me all about how it's been for him, and how it is with this boy, he starts asking me about my experience. he freaked me out a little by saying, "so Mary, tell me more about your experiences on the Greek island of Lesbos." now, I know about Lesbos, ok. I don't get scared when I read "Sappho." but for some reason - maybe because 'lesbo' is the common equivalent of 'fag' in N*land - seeing that makes me uncomfortable. so I said something silly about having not actually landed on the island yet, having just rowed my little boat around, looking in... but then I told him. about not caring in school, getting wrapped up in being sick and getting better, starting to look at relationships because of how much I want them - how the anxiety stops me ... and how I realized that if I took the gender qualification out of my search terms when looking through my history for 'crushes'... I suddenly find quite a few. and, you know, I still don't know, and I'm scared, and you're only the fourth person who didn't first meet me on-line to know. you're only the third that I've told.
and he told me he feels that... pretty much, if there's any leaning in that direction, it's significant. probably, in part because it's *so not ok* where we grew up... (though he made a good point which I've always believed would be true: that his friends rock about it. as I've said before, my problem in N*land was never my classmates.)
I told him how I'm sick of fighting it, and part of me just wants to be done. to just quit arguing, tell the world, and feel free again. but I feel like I have to be 'sure', be absolutely certain, before I can do that. and how on earth do I 'make sure?'
and Jarrod says:
ok...well...
are you attracted to girls? yes.
are you sure that you are? yes.
And if you mess up, you can always change your mind later.
and I swear my heart was crying and giggling and cheering all at once. I mean, I read the first line, and I almost typed, "oh, you have no idea how many ways I can disprove that" ... "I never said that! look, watch Mary the Magician make all evidentiary facts disappear with the flick of a hand! Voila!" ...but...because it was what I wanted at the time...because he's not the doctor, and what I wanted was to feel better instead of crazy, and that's different than what I want with the doctor - with the doctor, I want to know that I feel/think what is true, not just what feels best ... because I really just wanted someone to comfort me, and that was comforting, I was all about it. and I was just sitting there - or here, rather - going... I cannot believe how cool this is.
in just over two weeks, Jarrod is back in my life. with the same crazy cool closeness and humor that we had freshman year. and he's also someone not only safe to talk to about this, but easy to talk with, helpful and relieving and marvelous to talk with... in just over two weeks, he's back in my life, he's gay and I know it, I'm (god, I almost typed it) getting to some sort of at least temporary conclusion and he knows it, the messages I was given about "don't talk with Jarrod about gay rights because it'll get ugly" have been completely blown out of the universe and replaced with the inside-out-upside-down crazy-awesome companion-piece, all of the confusion about our relationship and why it was what it was and just that seems to make sense. and all I feel I have left to do is get comfortable with him in a sense of intelligence. i.e. I don't want to feel like I have to be careful not to say something stupid because he's so freaking smart. I was in all those same smart classes, too, you know. ;>
and he's affectionate now. I'm letting myself be affectionate, even though I'm kind of scared (left over from years ago)... and he's all reciprocal. there are all of these <3-s and all of this :love!: throughout the conversation...and it's just crazy. I told him at one point that if he were here, I'd tackle him in a hug, and he said maybe he'd come over... and with everything else still such a mess, this one thing seems to make sense. we work so well and there's no heterosexual/high school bullshit to scare me. whee.
plus, we finally have a comprehensible explanation (I didn't tell him this; I think he'd laugh) for Miss Fred (our freshman Eng teacher) of why the hell we aren't dating. and that amuses me. imagining standing in her classroom (me? in N*land? in the high school? ha. ha ha), telling her this, however many years later it is... just amuses me.
...I told him I'm thinking of just focusing on the fact that I like girls, and people can assume what they want about guys until I have some sort of understanding there. because there's nowhere near enough evidence to make "bi" make sense. all I know are girls...and certain girls...and I'm getting scared again, but it's certain girls (and/ or guys) for everyone. I so tend to make this bigger than it is. anyway I said that and he said, "and there is nothing wrong with that, Ms. Mary." channeling Dr. R? "Because, I've learned something in the past few months.
Really, it all amounts to this: Who gives a fuck?"
and the termanology was so hilarious and the sentiment so right-on, (I cried, "here here!)... and then we just babbled off into the sunset (or rather, the severe thunderstorm; much to my amazement, I did not wake up floating somewhere west of here, covered in the remains of my apartment) talking about how weird it is to have something where you *want* people to say they couldn't care less, rather than making a huge deal out of it.
and we cursed and we laughed and I told him I don't understand why heterosexism and homophobia have to go along with Christianity, but then I'm a heathen... and he damned me and my godless ways. :giggle: hellfire, here we come, I said.
I got paranoid at the end. "I'm not ready for people to know..."
"dude, Mary, you didn't even have to say that. <3"
oh, and we might be adopting him. yep.
...and this has all been an example of why, despite the fact I spell godd with two ds and don't see the throne and the harps and the clouds and the long white beard thing going on... I've got to believe in the good. because honestly... Shandi calls wanting to visit with a mystery guest. and (just barely more than) two weeks later, I am *here?*
give me an L, etc.
~me