my sister was mugged.
(how do you even write that sentence and believe it actually happened?)
I went to call Sara, checked the messages, heard one from Sarah, and called her instead. it happened in her totally safe neighborhood, which somehow makes it worse. and it sounds like these assholes just did it for the power rush, did it because they could. this guy grabbed her arm and she screamed at him to let her go, and apparently that really threw them off. so then this asshole knocks my sister to the ground and hits her (I swear to Godd; I never get so pissed off at anyone as when they mess with the people I love... why the hell would you do this to someone?)... and it's only when she's lying on the sidewalk that they finally yell at her to give them money. they took her wallet, which luckily had none of her id, and her cell phone. she has a doctor's appointment to make sure she doesn't have a concussion or any serious injuries. she's staying with friends, and I think she's asked Steve to come back from Ireland, even for a day or so. which is huge. he totally will; he told her that immediately... but Sarah just does not handle needing anything or anyone well. she's a tough girl, and the fact that she's scared is just so fucking hard on her. I'm glad she's asking him to come back because what she told me is true: he's the only person she feels completely ok falling apart in front of... and she needs to fall apart completely. godd. I won't even go into all the other shit this has to be bringing up for her. I wanted to fly to New York and hold her. as much for myself as for her. almost. I just want to hold her.
and then I called Sara, and she's had a most rotten week as well. another person she knew in treatment died. that's three since March for her; it's terrifying. it's terrible. I feel sick. and I'm so proud of her because she's crying and she's spacing out and feeling shitty, and doing everything that's natural and that sucks majorally... and in the meantime, she's still telling me she loves me and she loves me and she loves me.
she said I sounded good. I was talking about trying to keep in mind that there are good things happening in the world. I told her I'm not really good, not really - but I guess I feel grateful for all the amazing people I know. and I told her I want her to come visit, even though I haven't heard the doctor's opinion on it yet. it's not like it's his choice. she's not his sister. she's mine.
but I'm not good, really... even if I'm dealing with it fairly well. even if I did go out today, to the neighborhood I know, and checked out books for the second time. even if I was actually considering taking myself to a movie or something tomorrow, seriously enough to get pissed off when I realized that the debate is shutting down campus transportation and most nearby streets. I did some good things today; it's good that I got out... and I know that the past few days, even though I stayed in, weren't a waste. I feel ready to talk about that with the doctor.
but mostly I just want to crawl in bed and cry. I know I'll get through this, too... I just want someone to hold me while I let my guard down long enough to hear how *my* week has been.
love your Sara(h)s. with or without the h. I've never known one who was less than spectacular.
I don't have a lot, but I do happen to have the best family in the world... and that helps.
~me