What right does she have?
You are the one who initiated a direct conversation with her. What did you think her response would be?
I don't know. I just know I don't want to be blamed for this. Just because I expected - I started to believe that there's some humanity in her... and then she went and defended them...
She didn't directly defend anyone. She only talked about her own experience.
Are you listening to me? I don't need a devil's advocate right now.
What did you want her to say?
I don't know.
What did you think you were saying to her?
"You failed to see anything wrong in my life, you let me down, you won't say one word against a person who was horrendously abusive to me; in fact, you indirectly defend her - so if nothing else, at least hear what I have to say now, and rethink your position."
But what you actually said was...
Something about it being hard to write differently than what's natural to you. In terms of handwriting.
And she responded with a comment about handwriting.
And that pissed me off. Godds, am I really this ... irrational? I just hate them so much; I hate Neverland so much, and no one will apologize for it. My mom... but no one who was there, who was part of it, who could have made it stop. Or at least made it *better* than it was. What am I supposed to say to her? "While I find myself making progress in not perceiving you as I did four years ago, while I sometimes admire the relationship you have with your kids, I'm still so angry and so injured that you didn't pay any fucking attention to what was going on for one of your students, one of your daughter's best friends. I'm still hurt by it." ...This is so fucked up. What am I supposed to tell her? In an lj comment, for Chrrist's sake? I just want Neverland to go away.
I know.
I just want to live without that. I'm a new person now. That's prehistory. That's a life I'm not about now. I'm new, I have a different future, I don't ever have to set foot there. But I have to carry it with me? What the fuck is that? I don't want this. I don't even want to be angry anymore, ok. I'm past seeing that it's justified, that I'm justified in being angry. I get it. It was wrong, but it's over. I just want it to be *over.*
To stop affecting you.
That bitch. No. Don't let me say that. There isn't even a word for what she is, what she did to me. And now there are these people in my life who see her everyday, who saw me everyday, who never did shit. I was a fucking crazy-mentally-ill 14- and 15-year-old; was I really supposed to be the one to plan out how I was going to get help? And I did ask for help, and I did ask for therapy... and the fucking Massey thing was not hard to miss. And no one's ever going to apologize to me. No one's ever going to stop arguing the point. And obviously, obviously, I can argue it, too. I can advocate for the other side, I can list all the reasons they aren't responsible, all the reasons I don't deserve help, all the reasons my story isn't legitimate - all the reasons I shouldn't be trusted. Can't I get it straight in my own head at least? Can't I just trust for once and for all that it shouldn't have gone like it did? That people like Chas who acted when they observed what was going on should not have been exceptional? (Chas will always be exceptional...but not for that.) That should have been the standard. ....But this is all in the past. I know it still hurts, but it's all over. What the fuck am I supposed to do about it now?
What do you need to do?
Nothing. I don't want to try and talk to people who will never hear me. [The truly abusive geometry teacher] will never hear a word I saw or write, no matter what size my handwriting is. [The unethically negligent guidance counselor] will never hear a word I say. And [the friend's mom/ teacher I left a comment for]... she's not the one to hear all this. She's no more guilty than pretty much every other teacher, not to the extent that [Geometry Teacher] and [Guidance Counselor] are. She never did anything - good or bad. But she wasn't really in a position to. No more than any other teacher. Which in my head is enough of being in the position, but it doesn't mean that to everyone else. She's not the one who needs to feel the wrath and apologize.
You really want them to apologize.
I do. I want them to tell me they were wrong. I'm tired of trying to believe it myself; I want them to apologize so I can know something happened.
So they can still have more power than you do.
No... I just want to move on. I don't know how to move on. I don't know how this is linked to anything.
Well, you've been trying to move forward. You've been talking about it quite a bit, making plans, looking into options. For the second day, the idea of going out and riding those buses, as discussed...
Isn't happening. I'm not doing it.
And you have legitimate reasons for that.
I'm fucking scared.
Yeah.
Not like I won't do it, not like I'm giving up or I won't fight - I will get out... I just didn't want to do it today. Or yesterday. I just can't make myself do it right this moment.
That's ok. You work really hard. You're working really hard. ...What? Go ahead; say it.
Not hard enough to have a life.
Oh, sweetie. It's just time.
I hate time.
It just takes awhile. And I know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry it can't speed up, that you can't have more of what you want and need and deserve NOW.
I'm so scared. That I'm... Please don't take this as more state-dependent, depressed bullshit. Please really hear this, ok? I'm scared that I can't be happy. I don't mean happy like the feeling; I mean that state where you're happy with your life, overall and the day-to-day. Where the summation of home and work and relationships and activities is something with which you feel happy. I'm scared that I can't have that. Because I never have.
Rogers?
Yeah. I was sick, and I still had to fight with everything I had to spend as much time as I wanted (almost) with people... But yeah, I almost had it at Rogers. The thing about Rogers is it ended. And the doctor says Highland is not the rest of the world, but that's 16 years of my life experience. Being in a place where I was at best so interesting, so different and at worst such a black sheep. In a family who openly insisted we were different than the rest of the community (fuck "community" - we weren't a part of that) - and a town that went right along with it. Being normal would have let my family down. Being normal would have meant giving up the parts of me that were valuable. The "exceptional" parts. And how about coming from crazy strong Catholic roots to living in a town where Catholicism was not considered Christian and anything not-Christian was not approved? How about coming from that town to a family who thought anything not-Catholic was not ok? How about being hella *confused* all the time. What the hell do you people want from me? Who the hell am I supposed to be? I just want a friend. I just want a family. One of the rarely-mentioned blessings of Rogers is that it made fucking SENSE. I knew what was expected of me. They didn't want me to be what they wanted, so all those games had to be pushed aside. And I was good in their eyes no matter how well or how poorly I was doing, and I knew what was expected of me. To try, to talk, to work...
Such a simple thing to ask for. To need.
What if I really am different from other people? What if I can't...have a life that makes me happy? What if I never fit into 'the real world' the way I never fit into Neverland and school and all of that? What if there isn't a world where the tendency toward and intensity of my attachments isn't a handicap? What if I get out there and I'm working, helping people, and I'm coming home from work, and it's just... nothing. Not fulfilling. Not enough, still, not enough. Everything I've tried, I've never found 'enough.' I'm scared. I know part of the point of everything - of being in therapy, of my parents divorcing - is that I'm not going to end up where they are, but look where they are. 50 (give or take), not doing work that makes them happy, not in a home situation that they love. What if it's too much to want to love it? I have to have life like Rogers again, but better, longer... And I can't have it, and that's why I feel like my head is going to explode.
Why?
I can't get started knowing that... I can't get started knowing that I could end up getting nothing again. Getting hurt again. I don't want it. I don't want to get back out into the world. I remember the world. It sucks. I remember being in Neverland. I remember leaving Rogers for the real world. I can't just walk into that again. And I feel so bad because what's the alternative? Godd knows I can't give up now. I can't fuck this up now, not after doing so well for so long. I can't disappoint them after everything I've been given. I want to live; I really, really do... I just don't know how *I* can live. My whole life I've been the exception. I don't want to be exceptional. I want to know that the things I need are totally do-able. I don't want to be high-maintenance. I don't want to fuck this up. I want to be happy. I want to have relationships. I want to be a good whatever to the people I love. I don't want it to be too little for another... at all.
Doesn't that mean changing how things are now?
That's assuming they can change. As opposed to just shift. Another year, another unhappiness. Neverland, D!@#$%^, here... of course I want to change how things are now, but how do I... I don't want to be larger than life. I don't want to write a book that millions of people read; I want to work with a person day-to-day, face-to-face. I want to be in love, so that no matter how much pain either of us are going through, even if it's because of each other, there'll still be a committment and someone to hold. I want to do work that doesn't drive me nuts, but how can I not get terribly hurt in the field I want to enter, and how can I be happy in any other field - knowing that problem and those people are out there, and I could be with them, but instead I'm... a cashier or a carpenter or something.
So, what I think I'm catching, is that it would have been really helpful if the response to your not-really-about-handwriting comment had been something like, "I'm sorry things sucked here; it never should have been that way, and it shouldn't have gone on that long." Followed with someone you believe telling you that you're really safe, that it's really going to get better.
I want to go home.
I know.
What if they'll always hate me here?
They don't *know you* here. They don't hate you. And they won't. And you can move.
I can move. I want to get on a plane and pick up Sara and ... just be with her. Why can't I be with someone who... being with them even while one or both of us is miserable is actually desirable?
Maybe you need to learn how to not be miserable, so you can enjoy it even more. What I mean is, maybe you will. In the meantime, it sucks that you can't be where they love you.
It does. It really does suck.
But you're not in Neverland, where they don't apologize.
No, I'm not. I've still got a hell of a lot of it stuffed into my shoulders, though.
I know.
I miss it. I miss it so much.
And how can anything you need this much escape you forever? It can't. This is what you're working to have. Ok? This is what you're working to have when you get on those buses, and this is what you're working to have right now, when you think you're screwing up and not doing what you're supposed to do. It's going to get you there.
Where exactly? With whom? When? Promise?
I know. I know it's hard.
I want to go home.
I know.
I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home.
I know.
I want to go home so badly.