so I have no time. *no time.* but since when does not having any time keep me from posting (perhaps unnecessary?) updates in my journal? and there are some important things to say. first of all-
hell yeah! I can't believe I actually sort of did this. I know I've been unfairly vague about my (non)participation in NaNo, and I'd like to detail it a bit more, but like I said, no time. so I'll just explain a few quick things. I decided to do the whole 50,000 words in 30 days nano craziness a few days into November, I never actually registered, and (because I was getting a late start, and because I wanted to) I used a page or something that I'd written late in October. those technicalities (bah, technicalities! I spit on you!) aside, I so totally did it! I mean, I'm insane of course - for attempting to - but I actually managed to write over 50,000 words. granted, there's not really a plot, there are only potentially characters, and I think I understand (80-some pages later) what the theme *might* be... It includes passages where I yell at the book for ending too early or for going into *that* story, i.e. being whiny. It includes several fictional discussions with a mailbox. and unfortunately, despite the pure insanity of that, it's less amusing than it sounds. so, yes. it's a very strange shitty-first-draft of something I may or may not use for anything, ever. but when that counter hit 100% baby, I was squealing like an excited piglet, and bouncing like... well, an excited Tigger, I suppose. my mom had to catch on quickly to my glee, as I hadn't mentioned my participation to her. squee. more later. hopefully. whenever I say more later, I don't actually give more later. but hopefully, I'll break that pattern someday, maybe with this. woot.
speaking of piglets and tiggers, there's something else I've been fairly vague about, or rather someone. my darling tiger, the one who came home a few weeks ago, on the night that I so needed her. most of you haven't dared to ask, which I understand; others have ventured guesses as to what I meant when I said "the tiger came home tonight" - the correct interpretation being "the tiger came home tonight." I don't have any pictures of her yet (but I've been begging for a digital camera for Christmas... and I also asked that if I can't have one, I be informed by, say, December 16th so I can be disappointed on a day that isn't Christmas... if that happens, I will overwhelm you with random pictures of my life - squoot!!!... here's hoping) - but I *do* have a picture of the tiger who won the Ayah (that's her name, Ayah) Look-Alike Contest. Ayah's coat is a little darker, and her eyes have this incredible fiercely-protective-yet-incredibly-darling look that can't be duplicated, but other than that, they're very similar:
most of you know I've wanted a cat (despite being deathly allergic to them) for ages, (probably since I last had one), but haven't been able to convince my mom she wants one, too. and I specifically began to want a tiger at Christmas three years ago, when I looked at my one package under the tree, which was not any sort of surprise (I'd threatened to start beating on my parents if they didn't get me a punching bag on which to work out my rage... oddly, it took threats to make it happen, but oddly those threats did work)... and the lack of any surprise made me a little sad, and my brother John said, "You only *think* it's a punching bag. It's actually a tiger." And then I had all these wonderful visions of having a tiger, and of riding around on my tiger, and of playing with my tiger, etc, etc... until the obsession evolved. none of these are the reasons that I now have a tiger. ha! fooled you! I have a tiger because when Brea was hospitalized and I was freaking out, I desperately wanted to hold her, and to have her hold me, and to feel like Someone was holding onto us, onto the situation, making sure she was ok. I have a really strong association between tigers and [my lovely girl who's currently in residential], and what's better it's a familial association - it has to do with stories about tigers that she tells her daughter, about which she told me - so going in search of a tiger was exactly the right idea. and Ayah was right at first sight; I knew that. yeay. plus, she came from far away, so she's obviously brave, and also - like I said - she has fantastic timing. my rocking tiger. she's going to NYC with me. oh, yes. she practically has her own carrying case, the dear girl. I put books in a separate compartment so she could spread out. she's good with it; we talked.
I'm also going to NYC... in... really, really soon. I had my talk with the doctor Monday, and wow, it totally didn't help - until the very, very end. I did come out of with an entirely different plan/ perspective for this trip. it's going to sound really radical but the revised plan for this trip is: have fun in New York. it's crazy, no? I mean, it's INSANE! but it's my new plan. I've un-decided to tell my siblings, by which I mean - I may or may not tell them. I'm just going to see how it feels, and if I feel like telling someone, I'm going to. if I feel like telling someone but not everyone, I'm just going to go with that. the doctor says it's not an issue of "fairness" because apparently, it's supposed to about me. this is allowed to be about me, and what I feel comfortable with. sweet. basically, I was feeling really trapped when I was talking with him, (not because I was talking with him, just with the situation), and I was asking him why the hell I was about to tell my family something I'm not myself ok with, (which sucks because, I am ok with the relational aspect of it, just... still not the sexuality part... I have no problem with the fact that I like girls; it's telling people that's my sexual orientation that's freaky... this shit sucks, by the way; this inability to handle having a sexual facet for my personality)... and I ended up deciding that I don't want the reason I tell them to because I said I would and don't want to chicken out. that seems like a pretty shitty reason, no? of course, I do have other reasons I want to tell them, so it still might happen, but it also might not. the more I think about it, the more sense it makes to not tell them now, if I don't feel especially inclined to (which I might :>)... because part of what's making this so difficult right now is that it's so huge. it's so the focus of everything. the rest of my personality is all faded, and this is in bold. when the doctor started talking about just going to New York and having a good time, feeling it out, I realized that doing this *that* way would be pretty close to going to NY as myself, the rest of myself, the myself that just has good times and is multi-faceted and lives in all sorts of ways, and that feels sooo sooo good right now. plus, it has me remembering my first post-Rogers trip to NYC when Brea told me to go as who I am (or who I would be) if I weren't afraid. me minus the fear. I think I can do that now, without it being so conscious. I think I can just pretty much be myself, without too much trouble. and that's really cool; three years can do a lot, I guess. so if I break out the rainbows and the "I heart my gay sister" t-shirts, great, and if I don't, great. As the doctor said, either way, either choice - it'll be good, it'll work. and we'll work from there. and if I end up deciding I want to tell my sister at a time I have to do it over the phone, or if I do end up saying something over Christmas, or *whatever* it'll still be ok. it's all just a lot better now.
I also realized that I'm only there for *four days.* I think I had it chalked up as like a month. ok, a week or ten days. which makes sense because I usually stay that long when I visit Sarah, and this whole thing had gotten stretched out of proportion. but it's four days. it's four days, and despite a slight freak-out when I got back from my appointment and (freed a bit from my anxiety around telling everyone decided to freak out as I) thought about how I'm going to be removed from "all" of my supports, and I'll be all alone, and far away, and blah blah blah. I put all in quotation marks because I'm going to be with my freaking family. and yes, we're closer to the Simpsons or the Morggendorfers (didn't spell that right) than we are the Cleavers (thank fucking Godddd), but I still love them, I'm still glad to be with them, and I'm still safe. I can, despite what I was thinking, take care of myself no matter where I am. truly! there is always a way 'home,' a place to rest, a voice to use. and that rocks.
in fact, I think the idea that I felt unsafe rocks a little. not in the sense that my family doesn't automatically count as tons of support, the way my friends do... but because my mom's coming with me, and in the past, that would have made a *huge* difference - because my mom is basically clairvoyant, she's so used to my illness. I can depend on her to do practically any task for me, often after simply looking at her; she knows what I need. the fact that I don't automatically feel taken care of this time, even though she's coming, suggests (I hope) that my fear this time is less agoraphobia/ eating disorder/ bullshit-based and more just about who I am, the environment I want to be in, the fact that I'm an introvert who likes her own space and am going to be sharing a New York apartment (it's Sarah's new one, which I haven't been in, and which is bigger than her former apartment in Astoria, but still) with six other people.
so... good, no? I think it's good. maybe we'll even have fun. it's possible. Thanksgiving didn't feel like complete torture. this trip has possibilities. now I just need to calm down about 1) the plane (I'll be fine as soon as I'm on the plane... I just hate the fucking airport) and 2) whether or not I'll manage to hook up with Julian and/or Sarah-Delancey. I so want to, but I don't know if I'll have time. blargh. it's ok. I will see them again, even if I don't manage it this weekend.
aiy! my fingers hurt from typing so fast. this is pure keyboard babbling. whee. so, who wants to guess what I'll discover I forgot to pack this time? much, much love to everyone (some hard times going on; it's never a good time - in my book - to be away from my friends) and I guess I'll be back when the week is new.
whether I'll have more ideas for you remains to be seen. :heart:
~me