I figured something out.
I don't mind telling my family (I am scared, but... not based on how I think they'll respond) - as in my siblings and my dad ... but it hurts like hell not to have told my other family. certain people in my other, chosen family. I can't stand the fact that Sara and Stacy and Dwight and Chas and Mandy and... this whole group of people who mean the world to me don't know. and most of the people on that list I'd have to tell either through writing or a phone call. and I just wish it weren't that way. because I don't simply want them to know. I want them to hug me. actually, I want specific reactions from specific people, but there are some I very much want to have hold me and tell me how wonderful I am. (still.) I want Dwight, for instance, to hold me and tell me some spectacular thing I can't imagine on my own. like he always does.
partly, I'm just lonely and want them. partly, this is scary, and I want them. partly, they're my family and I want them to know. partly, I want to quit being afraid that anyone who really matters to me will leave over this. and partly ... I need to know this doesn't separate us. I was crying tonight... I'm so happy about the progress, really, but it's been a struggle, too - not trying to live for three people, feeling the pain of being separated from the girls I started this with, knowing that not everyone got even this far ... and obviously it's been a struggle for a long time to deal with the idea of moving on not meaning losing them. I don't want to change so much that they wouldn't recognize me. but I can't be that girl; the whole point is to become who I really am instead of... who I was when I was almost entirely my illness. so I just - I want them to know me now, every damn part of me, and love me... so I know it's ok to keep going. so I have one less reason to resist this.
I was crying tonight, and my hair slipped out of place and fell across my eyes, and for the first time since I dyed it in August, I didn't like having blue hair. ...well, no, I didn't dislike it, but it made me cry harder for a moment. I've changed so much, and I know that's the point, and I know I like this girl better, but what's the point if they don't even know me? I've been so optimistic; I've actually believed in a future lately, and sure it's all based on what happened for me there, but that's not enough.
they matter and I want to be able to tell them. in person.
I really don't understand why something that doesn't actually matter needs to be explained to people. why not saying it, to the people you're closest with, feels so strange. ...and on another note, I didn't talk about any of the good things that happened Sunday or yesterday. I'd best get to that eventually. it's just not where my head's at right now.
I told Dave in my most recent letter. but who actually believes he'll write back..?
screw explaining a facet of myself I haven't even accepted. I'm going to go hibernate inside my comforter-cave with my tiger. wake me when everyone who matters knows, and I live in Wisconsin. danke.
~me
p.s. to state the obvious: I need support. a lot. I'm completely freaking out, for numerous reasons.