I feel less...awful.
I called the doctor's voicemail and told him it sucked that he cancelled, that I'm not doing well and really needed to see him.
I want to remember the future. I want an idea in my head of where I want to go. I wish I could picture that as well and as specifically as I can picture where, in my past, I want to be.
I don't want to be at Rogers. and I hate that. lately, I think Stephanie was right. it's not a place to want to be.
but what about the people? and the work? do I still want to do work like that?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
I think everything comes down to I need some current, active, if-I-reach-out-my-palm-will-squash-their-face relationships.
not that it would fix everything... I just think when that happens (note the forced optimism of my when) I'll be better able to see what I want my life (post November 2001) to look like. and that yes, Virginia, I really do want to stay in it.
I already know that second part. I just hate living in my room; I hate this "so-called life" to the point I don't want to look at the evidence of how I carry on... I'm ready for things I can't make happen, and I want things I can't make myself ready for - not right this moment when I want them.
Sara wants to come. even right now, when I'm terribly, terribly sleepy, that pushes my face to smile. Sara here. where I can hold her. so close my palm could squash her face.
but won't. squish, maybe, but not squash. and I shall call her squishy, and she will be mine, and she will be my squishy...
does that sound like a Bible passage to anyone else? something about the number of ands? or is it just that Finding Nemo is so holy in my book (ha, see the word play there: holy...book... oh, fine) it sounds like scripture?
it's past my bedtime, as you might have inferred.
I still love that it's October. hypothetical Awesome Prize to the person(s) who can guess which two candies I will always trade from my trick-or-treat stash. how about a no-expenses-paid trip to visit me?
this round world, it revolves. (around me.)
::goes to watch Finding Nemo in her brain, assuming there's a 3:18 show::
~me