I made the mistake of hitting the backspace key, and now I have no entry. normally, I'd think it better this way - because really, I don't want to put tonight's story on anyone's shoulders. I just wanted to get just a little bit of it off my own. my blah day, my agoraphobic-with-cabin-fever day, in which I spent a good forty minutes watching a fountain and a good twenty watching it rain... found a reason to get actually horrible. or to remind me about the actually horrible things I try not to remember. or something. I went so crazy trying to call someone. I left the doctor two messages... I called Sara a zillion times. I even bypassed half of my normal reasons-I-can't-call: it's too late, it's too late there, I can't call her when I'm not ok, I can't burden her with this, she has school in the morning, on and on and on. I screwed them all. I called anyway. I called people I always say I almost called. Voicemail after fucking voicemail. And I know I could get someone if I tried, if I called a few times in a row, if I talked to their answering machine until they woke up... I could do that, and no one would love me less. (and you people are very good at loving me; the entry that got eaten said you are miraculous and thanked you for being so sweet earlier.) I just wanted someone to call me sweetheart and let me cry into their ear. I just wanted someone to hold me, even across the fucking phone.
it's not ok. I have so many people who would in an instant do that. and it's not ok that not a single one got to, tonight.
it all just hurts so much. and I can't make myself type it again.
~me