So, Ender's Game deserves every award, accolade, and fanatically devoted reader it has... in my humble opinion. Holy wow, that book was good. It's not done with me, and in a small way that's a shame because, having it rest so heavily in my mind, knowing I'm going to be turning it around, plucking and pushing, chewing and gnawing, here and there for some time, I don't have the stamina to read it a second time. Now. Right now. Read it a second time and write down the especially brilliant phrases. To underline the genius that stands out within the genius, maybe. Someday.
I am so incredibly spent. Tired! Oy. I still haven't done a thing off that to-do list, and there are important ones. I need to call Sara; I don't feel right having left it this long. I would like to call RBrittany^ soon enough that she doesn't end up calling me first - because I know how lame "I've been meaning to call you!" can stand against the doubt, "Is this a one-way relationship? Am I the only one who cares?" And a few thousand other things. Silje doesn't know I went to Wisconsin, and that's just seriously wrong. And for the most part, I've done a good job the past few days of understanding that I'm working extremely hard right now, and it's legitimately taxing; I need not be ashamed of my lack of energy. But there's always that risk. The risk of self-attack going right along with the sadness of not having enough time. To read and draw and feel and rest and write and call and heal... And it will help, in the short term, to cross items off the list. Perhaps when I feel less overwhelmed by the number of items, I can add a few that I do without validating them. I do accomplish quite a few things during the day. And during the night I battle chorus teachers and supposedly elected executive officers. (Yahoo keeps telling me that it takes less than 200 dollars to get Bush a one-way ticket back home, and I keep asking, "So - considering you're asking me for 25 or 50 dollars, we could potentially send him a great deal farther away?" ...I haven't gotten an answer yet. And I can't think of a place I'm willing to pawn the scoundrel off on. Although I would very much like Kerry's first act as president - entirely illegal as it would be - to be revoking Bush's citizenship and having him deported. Dude. Send him to Jupiter to get more stupider.) Anyway. I work.
And within that vein, the session today went well, despite the moment I spent in the hallway outside the office, gathering strength enough to face the waiting room, the lights, the faces, voices, questions, answers. When he asked how I was feeling, I described that there have been significant downs over the past few days; however, there've been more reprieves, which makes me feel less hopeless, which means I'm feeling a little more alive. It's still shaky, but it's true. He asked if I have any inkling why a reprieve begins or collapses, and I told him I honestly don't. He asked if they lasted full days, which they don't... Although the build up of the shorter increments sort of defines the day right now. I perceive a majority of lower, rough moments as basically a low, rough day...and that's not always the case. That's something I don't want to see become the case again. But I used yesterday as an example of it, of the bad, then quickly switched to Saturday to keep from simply detailing the same list of difficulties I'd written here before leaving. I felt like we could put the session to better use than that, and I feel now like we did. We eventually went back to how things changed after the session Friday and why that happened. I had important information to give him, which helped me to feel like a vital partner in the "process" again. (I made fun of that word and he joined in... it felt good to smile and have someone see it.) I also liked that the information I gave him wasn't simply regarding *events* he didn't know about (for instance, that I wrote Jenna Friday morning and watched 28 Days) but also my own analysis of why I'd done it, and why it had worked to any extent. I explained about the undercurrent of bad feeling that was too deep, too numb to really feel, that I therefore couldn't "process", couldn't escape. I explained how I had dismissed the drastic measures that I would have used in the past, and that more novel ones had appeared. That I'd rejected the idea of calling Jenna when I realized I was drawn to do it because I was fairly certain I'd get hurt. That I'd used the movie and it had worked; it stirred things up, and allowed me to feel (rather dramatically, although it was certainly genuine) and communicate that feeling during the session. We spent some time talking about the movie. I haven't watched it in eons; though when I first went to D!@#$%^, I watched it all the time. That led us to discuss where I'd been and how little I'd had when I was first in D!@#$%^, and why the movie helped me cope. We talked about the IOP; he was floored to hear the circumstances in which I'd been "kicked out." We talked about the possibility that the trip to Rogers has intensified the ambivalence about wanting to move forward, that their statement (Stacy's statement) has made things more difficult for me. I told him I'm only starting to understand that; he said we're only starting to understand any of this, but he thinks in time, we'll look back on it and find it makes a great deal of sense, as we can do with other things. Once we've pulled it apart and put it together a hundred zillion times, we'll have a decent understanding of it. In the meantime, I need to remember that this is as complicated as any other part of my struggle / journey / illness / "process" - and that I can't rush it. I don't need to rush it. I don't need to prove I'm getting better. It isn't action that will be effective right now; mainly, it's thought processes and persistence. The doctor says that once I commit to this, once I sign - yet again - on the dotted line, stating that I understand the circumstances, see the goal, and am willing to do the work, I will have no trouble fulfilling that commitment. This, he says, is the pattern evident in my work until now. And I need to resist committing for any reason other than my own belief in the rightness of the work. I'll lose out if I let myself be manipulated into doing it, if I buy into something just because he says it's so, or Stacy says it's so, or Brea, or Steph... I understand that. I understand more of what I'll lose than he articulated, actually. And so I wait.
But now, I really have to close this and be done for tonight, as it's possible I'm getting up fairly early to spend some time in the park with three kids and our moms. I can't tell yet if I'll have to back out. I can't tell yet if I'll even want to...
I hope I won't back out...but I'll find something fulfilling to fill the time, if I do. I won't let this be *just* a loss. A loss, yes. I lose things to these phobias. But I also do the best I can. And that maneuver with the movie Friday, and my own ability to unravel and understand what had gone on, honestly stun me. It occurs to me once again that I'm saving my life here. And despite the slip-ups, the confusion, the doubts from time to time... I'm actually damn good at this. I like feeling that. What better to excell at than understanding, sustaining, and living my life?
Woot.
~me
^Rogers-Brittany, abbreviated; as distinct from Brittany or Britt, of d*land