[Three entries? I really have gone back in time.]
I called Sara, and that's helped some. I needed to reestablish contact, to quit the blasted waiting period - the kind one undertakes worrying if they'll look needy calling too soon. I'm not worrying about that anymore, so there's no reason not to make contact. And sitting around waiting for someone to e-mail me was no longer working. It feels so quiet here, after all the interaction, all the voices over the weekend. I miss them so much. And I don't really know what to do with it, what to do with myself in the midst of it. I feel like staying up for hours and cleaning. I feel like going to bed right now and sleeping as long as possible. I feel like writing more of what happened Saturday, or maybe I feel like writing in the no-longer-so-terribly-blank book devoted to them, or maybe I want to write a letter. I could write Dave; I have his address after all. It's so weird to have all of these things I would have sold my bed for in the past: actual contact with Stacy, Brea, Sara, Sara, Sarah, Silje, Katia, Rosie, Oshiana - to some extent even Jenna and Dave. I had to go back and add names to that because I can't remember everyone at once. I have so much that I didn't have over the past two years, and it makes a difference but it doesn't. It makes a difference in this life, now, where I'm not with them; it makes a difference in my world here. But my world there is so much more real to me. I know that's a problem, or at least a potential problem, and I'm working on it so that I won't have to lose anyone over the fact... But no amount of e-mail addresses, especially with messages so rarely received can change the fact that I'm not with them. I called Sara with nothing to tell her except I miss her, and I wish I was there. She had pretty much the same to tell me. She also spoke a little of what's been going on, and it stung like it did that first time she went back... It hurts too much to hear about them without being present in the story. It hurts too much to know they, too, have an everyday where they get up, go forward, don't always talk about how much they miss me.
The memories are so strong; it's only been a couple of days after all... I feel sick when they course through me. Just now, for half-a-second I could smell the smell again. And it's so weird, considering that you don't notice smells usually, unless they're strong, and although Rogers did have sewage issues when I was there (and since I was there) - and did at one time have a horrible odor... that's not the smell at all. But every so often, I can smell it again, and my stomach jolts; my eyes sting. I feel ill, but it's like morning sickness: there's too much in it for me; I can't really complain. Well, I can. And will. But I do not overlook "the baby."
I would like to go home now. I repeat. I would like to go home now.
...I think I need to keep the memories with me tonight. More stories when they come, when I feel differently.
~me