ok, so I've been all sad and moody and morose and mopey and along that general line. I get scared and I cry, and I get more scared and cry, and then I get less scared or even excited and cry some more. I had a completely indifferent session today; I think he cut it short before I made the transition from excited to moody again because I felt it coming and when does he ever go *short?* ...anyway, it's good good good good good. I answered the phone tonight, caught it on probably the last ring and Sara told me things like this:
Lainie will be working on Saturday.
Rene, who I only met once or twice, will also be working on Saturday.
Steph is probably working on Saturday.
Stacy is definitely working on Saturday.
There are too many Leahs to even guess if my Leah will be working on Saturday.
Dwight took them to a bookstore (?) as part of rec today, and when Sara told him I was coming, he was positively thrilled. She said he asked all of these questions about me, and how I'm doing... he said how I'm so wonderful, and it was so wonderful when I won that thing for my play, and I'm just so incredible, and he's so glad I'm coming back. And Sara told him about the other plays I've had in New York, and how I've been working sooo hard, and how (ahh!) in a few months, I'll have gone three years without purging, and he was just thrilled. He is not working Saturday; however he wants so much to see me that he asked Sara if there were any chance I'd be around at another time. I have no clue when I'm getting in Friday, and I doubt it's before he's finished his shift, but I nevertheless called the 800 number, asked for his exchange (given to me from Sara who asked an RC - a little scarily similar to the Dave thing, but apparently much simpler...must be the fact that Dwight is still employed there), got it, and left an almost giddy message.
I could fill up a boot with everything I've heard over the past week about what Stacy and Lainie and Dwight and Jenifer and everyone there think of me. And I could hit the shame part of my head really hard with it. I'm wondering if I should bring along a tape-recorder, and have them all document their real feelings toward me on the tape, so that I can play it when I'm back here, so I can stick my tongue out at the doubts...
I have doubted so much over the past year. Doubted myself, my right to love them, their feelings toward me, my progress, whether I'd be making them proud, whether I have reason to love them at all. And now, it's so obvious that I should love them - how could I not love them? - how could anyone not? - and so obvious they love me, too. And whether it's that they're loving in general or love me specifically or a mixture of both, whether they're comfortable saying it or hugging me or of doing nothing at all, it's still so obviously true. I just left Dwight a message talking about how grateful I am that he wants to see me and how, "I want to see [him], too ...and talk to [him] ...and all that goes along with that," [laugh]...Dwight! I haven't talked to Dwight since I left. I haven't talked to Lainie (the only main RC, and one of very few RCs over all that I've *never* gotten on the phone) since I left either. And they're happy I'm coming, they're happy I'm coming, they're happy I'm coming! Jenifer wants me to bring artwork, and Dave is giving a speech, and Pam is thrilled to no end - while I wonder how she even knows who I am. They're there and they love me and they want me, and holy cricket, loves, I'm going home!
~me!