I don't make sense; I make scarves.
01/03/04|9:33 p.m.

In the year 2005 I resolve to:

Not eat cloned meat.

Get your resolution here

good. because... you know... I was really unsure about that one.


I'm doing a little better than when I wrote earlier. I don't think my emotional state is entirely a byproduct of my exhaustion, but I don't think it's been helping, and I think when those emotions came back up earlier, I unwittingly pretended I wouldn't feel so bad if I'd seen the doctor. which is possible, but as Jennifer said, I did my best with the information I had at the time. and the decision still makes sense to me. I knew that either way I'd be making a sacrifice, and I wanted to use the session to really work, which I couldn't do as tired as I was/ am. (it's better, but I could still use some real rest.) I couldn't manage that session without sleep, but I could manage sleep without that session, so I made my choice. and apparently the doctor was totally understanding and sweet about it; (this is what, the second - *maybe* third - time I've ever cancelled on him?) - he sent me a message to rest well and feel better for Friday. I'm working on that. I did bawl for a long, long time this afternoon. which is good. it's been building, and occasionally spilling over just a little, for days... and I feel better having released some of it. today's trip to the dentist, while less than exciting in itself, hit way too many nerves. it was the type of appointment that would have been perfectly fine if I didn't have a history; I could have done without the flashbacks and the deja vu. first of all, the halls of the office building looked exactly like those at Tammy's; I honestly would have thought I were in the same building if I hadn't clearly seen the outside walking in... then, I was so tired, which is like being so hungry - I can't stand it because I feel like I've gone back in time. I was filling out the standard new-patient forms, feeling hurt and upset because of the weirdness around being a 19-yr-old at the dentist with her mommy. I've decided we, meaning people, ask the wrong questions. I don't think I'd feel so bad explaining my life to someone, if I didn't have to pull them off the, "what year are you? what school are you at? what are you studying?" track. there was just some bullshit about how I was insured with my mom, so I must be a full-time student... and, no, I'm not. I went into the appointment alone (so not possible not long back) which helped a little. I'm always glad to realize I feel as safe taking care of myself as I would if my mom were there. no small thing, after all these years. I may have to say I'm a dependent now, but I'm less and less so, truly. as for the actual point of the visit: I was right; I am teething. and dude, are my wisdom teeth impacted. studying that x-ray you honestly might assume that they're meant to be perpendicular to the rest of my teeth. aigh. so, oral surgery and such. out they go. the dentist was a decent guy. kind of suburban, nice in a professional way, not so very much older than me. (probably in his thirties.) he asked about my recovery, (there was a question on the form about hospitalizations or serious illness) and I told him I'm still in psychiatric care but have been abstinent for over 3 years (3 1/2 in February...) I think he congratulated me. he said something nice like that, for which I thanked him, and even though I was a little uncomfortable saying that I'm still in therapy, I did feel he was right to congratulate me. be proud, right? it's definitely something to feel pride about...

other than that, today was mostly about the fact that I can't stand how much pain there still is in the world and how I'm not doing more to help people with it. (not in school, not working... but I have to be able to sleep before those things become possible, you know?) I'm a little less freaked by the New Year than I was a few days ago. I was trying to take an inventory of what I did in 2004, but I ended up just feeling stressed, and pressured to set (far too many) goals for this year, when usually I say resolutions are crap and our calendar is crap and everyone knows the year does not start in the middle of winter. (a perspective I think works much better for me.) I have been thinking - partly because of the new year and partly because of something I read... and partly for who knows what reason - that I don't know what I'm talking about. in something like a good way. it's a sort of epiphany. I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to other people's lives, and so I need to take a step back. a rambling e-mail I just sent to Britt was not at all in keeping with this. but it's strange, and I think the thought is still forming in my head. it's something about not caretaking - pulling out of that to an even greater extent - and even though it sounds like a put-down, "I need to stop jumping in because I don't know what I'm talking about" - it really does feel more liberating and respectful than self-attacking. I guess because it trusts that we're all the most capable of running our own lives. and even though I do have some insight, I also have a tendency to run around in circles trying to come up with a solution to problems I can't solve. freedom from that would rock.

I also did a lot of missing my (transgenetic) family and feeling very proud to have come from them. that was part of 2005's first major tearfest. afterward, I felt better. infused with that strength. I have a sneaking suspicion the doctor is in my transgenetic family. don't know what I'm going to do about that. (for now, nothing is probably best.) I'll just comfort myself with the fact that he has mentioned a few times conversations we'll have many years from now when I've been living-living for a long time, along with the fact that I have successfully transformed several formerly professional relationships into personal ones (i.e. convinced the necessary persons I was not a stalker.) squee.

this entry is so all over the place. lots of interruption on top of my scatter-brain-ned-ness. maybe I'll be able to elaborate as the week goes on, and my random thoughts start to take a more visible shape.

in the meantime, I'm going to try for more of that sleep stuff. it's such a trip. pray for me. wish for me. I could so use a night of nightmare-less rest. hail mary, full of grace...