damnit.
I cancelled my own appointment today.
I didn't sleep almost at all last night, had constant nightmares the night before, and had to be up this morning for an 8:30 dental appointment. in what universe am I ever up at 8:30? I needed to leave for my doctor appointment around 12:00, so by the time I got back, I had about two hours in which to fall asleep and sleep, which is nothing near enough. if I'm not completely exhausted, I take about two hours to fall asleep. if I am completely exhausted, as I was - did I mention the crappy sleep of the past weeks? - I guess it takes about forty minutes. I woke up just after eleven, feeling better but still exhausted and decided to cancel. because therapy is work, and I didn't really want to just vent today, I wanted to work on things... and it's just not possible to do that when you haven't slept (properly) in days. and we're already talking about the fact that I can't sleep and have such relentless nightmares. so... I made a call. and now I regret it a lot, which is what I always fear will happen, which is why I never do this.
because now I feel really bad again, and I can't talk about it (with him) until Friday... and it's my own damn fault.
I've been feeling so sad and so shitty (on and off) lately... what the hell was I thinking? I guess it was all numb from sleeplessness. I guess it's almost as effective to bawl my eyes out here. maybe I'll try that. figure out what's wrong. distract myself. la, la, la. such are my pastimes. stupid voices attacking me for stupid self-pity. blugh.
excuse me, but can I be you for awhile?
~me