so...
[The Person I'm Worried About]. goes into residential. on THE EIGHTH.
as in, three days from now. I ran into my mom's room, told her, nearly started crying, and gave her an "ohmygodd, ohmygodd!" sort of hug... which meant having to listen to more talking than my little ears cared to carry, but ah well. so be it. she's going into residential! I have no idea how, and I didn't make it happen...but... this is so so so so so so so good.
and she gave ME her address there, so I will have to not procrastinate and send her lots of happy, brighten-her-day-ish mail.
thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.
right. there's no way I can articulate what this means to me. wow.
...other good things in the sloppy mess of suck my life has been lately: Sara called last night, and even though I was having the worst day (bad enough that my mom called into work... which, to be honest, scared the shit out of me... but which did help) I answered, and then - prepare for shock - I told her I was having the worst day. which isn't *entirely* shocking because I am generally very honest with Sara (not being able to tell her about [the person I'm worried about] - because I feel it's [that person]'s right to tell or not tell - is seriously driving me mad) - but resulted in Sara pushing me to keep talking after I had given her my two-sentence summary of why things are bad and my one sentence disclaimer about how I'm ok anyway... it felt entirely strange to me; I honestly didn't think I had any more to say, but she kept just listening, which meant I had to keep talking, and before I knew it, I was actually sitting on the phone with her, crying. this is something I never do. talk about myself, maybe. talk a great deal about myself, *perhaps.* but downright fall apart? I kept trying to tell her I really am ok - because I never want anyone to worry about me the way that I worry about my friends when they struggle, because I know somehow I will be ok again - and she said, "Mary...just *cry*" - and told me I was not above being human. beautiful girl, my Sara. so, somehow it spilled out, and she was there, and it didn't break her... she wants to come visit (and I want her to come visit!) and before we were done, I felt so understood... I felt solely like the good sort of freak... and when we went to hang up, I said (in total honesty) that I didn't want to because just talking about hanging up made me miss her. ...the memory is making me smile. we're so adorable. and she's going to come visit, and she's set on tracking down people here for me to know (which is funny - because they really do hide... I swear this city is impossible)... and I told her she works better than my meds, which was so incredibly dorky of me, and led to a long random tangent about marketing and distributing her as an anti-depressant. she's curled up in my heart at the moment.
oh, godds, I'm grateful. she's working so, so hard... I love it. I love that she's doing everything she can to make sure we get to stay here, together, tangibly. I love the idea that I might not have to lose her. and I love her, of course. I'm just a big mushball at the moment, but it's all so *true.* it's annoying to me, actually, that it sounds so cheesy when it's so genuine. "but no, *really* - I know the best people in the world, and, and..." if I didn't have such a stellar truth-telling record, you might have to doubt me. but you don't get to doubt me because it's true. I know it's true.
damnit, I want to hug at least one of these people about whom I'm so grateful, so relieved. I actually had an appointment with the doc today (shocker, that) and he gave me a list of things to consider looking into, in terms of working with people in order to meet them. I was right, unfortunately, about the idea that I wouldn't feel any better for having talked to him today... but I am really glad he put together some ideas. I'm coming up with nothing as hard as I'm trying, and he had a few options I knew nothing about as well as a few I've hit obstacles approaching. maybe he can help me move around those barriers. all I know is, yesterday I decided I wanted to go see someone, got completely ready, and realized... I don't know anyone here. literally. there was no one I could go surprise, go meet up with... t'was not a good realization. but everyone keeps telling me it's the city, that people here are bizarrely reserved, that once they meet me, they really will love me. ...the doctor told me today that it would be unethical of him to tell me I'm cool if I werent (he honestly used the word "cool"... he is such a weirdo - which I suppose is why we work) which didn't really help me feel better (I'm in a "if I don't *deserve* this, then why does it have to *be this way*" mode that just couldn't cope so well) - but was sweet all the same. and if he actually manages two consecutive appointments without a cancellation, I will see him Monday. which means I don't have long at all until we can discuss some of the things I could not have discussed today. but want to. damnit. it's so hard to want something so badly you're willing to risk (practically) anything and then still be scared to take the jump. I do not want to feel like I am the force that's holding me back. I will find a friend within my state. maybe even within my city. crazy talk, I know, but impossible things do happen.
for instance, if I were writing something for NaNoWriMo, which I assure you I'm not, I'd only be a couple thousand words behind where I'd like to be, and I'd be having a hell of a lot of fun. and who'd've thought The Writer (rah rah rarrh) could enjoy writing?
I could enjoy watching paint dry so long as I know [The Person I'm Worried About] found a way. ...my godd, I might SLEEP tonight.
*
[also, I have no idea how accurate this is... but it was far too random not to post. oh, I love teh random.]
You are a scoop of coffee with a crayon it in.
You're naturally perky, and you tend to get
distracted. You're entertained by simple
things. You can't focus. You're rather
carefree. You're annoying to some, and loved
to death by others. You're a socialite. What
can we say?
The Whats In Your Kitchen Personality Test
brought to you by Quizilla
~me