and then this.
11/01/04|9:18 p.m.

ridiculously tired.
the doctor cancelled.
good news: I knew that before I left the house.
now I don't see him until Friday, which is not the best case scenario.
he is, apparently, trapped out of town.
this being the same man who told me he wasn't going anywhere.
but then, maybe he meant that he was taking the week off to rest and wasn't thinking about Halloween weekend when he told me that.
either way, he's not allowed to get sick when he returns.
he will see me Friday.
I have things to tell him.
like... I told my mom "in so many words" (as she put it) that I like girls.
I thought she already knew, which made it more awkward than I would have thought.

I felt too much like I'd just told her, after thinking she knew for months.
but she did know. so whatthefuckever, as my brother might say.

and I told her "y'know, maybe, whatever... I don't believe it's so cut and dry as gay and straight" as well. which almost started an unwanted dissertation, but thankfully, she steered away from it.

I was talking about how annoying it is that my siblings keep giving me the perfect setup to tell them at completely inopportune times. for instance, my brother Dale this weekend (comparing me to an aunt I prefer not to be compared to) "...you might secretly like girls."

desired response: "not so secretly." but I can't say that to Dale, for the first time, in front of his girlfriend, who I've just met, over a month before I can tell Sarah in person. so I say nothing.

other annoying response from Mom = advice. especially advice regarding my dad and how to tell him this. she told me something I've known forever - that my dad (while he'll be fine with it) will want to talk to people, and those people will be my siblings, so I'd best tell my siblings when I tell my dad. except, I've always articulated this to myself as "so I need to wait until I tell my siblings to tell my dad" or "I need to tell Dad just before and ask him not to say anything until I have." my mom articulated it as, "your dad will tell your siblings."

great, mom. thanks.

she was a little too down on my dad this weekend, in general. but maybe he just came up often... or something. and overall, she was really great about the whole thing. which I forgot was a whole thing. because I've said it so many times the words don't mean anything.

but hey, they do mean things. for instance, I can read gaygirl books and watch gaygirl movies and have gaygirl crushes without *cough*coverup*cough*-ing my way through them... and she also said something about how it sounded like the circumstances I want to tell my siblings in will be met at her birthday shindig. I said, "great party game, huh?" and smiled weakly, but she was supportive. I'm glad. I didn't like the idea that I would make her big party about that. but... who the hell wants to make it the Christmas gossip?

right. other things. I wanted to tell him I met Hannah. that things with Dale are still weird, although we're trying. I might want to tell him that I'm really confused around my eating disorder right now. I'm not really in that mindset... I'm just... a little worn down. I guess in some ways because of the struggles my friends are facing. I start to eat, think about how they can't, and feel sick. I've also been all exhausted and depressed recently, and it's affected my eating. not in any abnormal way, but... some of the normal weirdness around food is dangerous territory for me. so. I don't know. add to that the whole physically-growing-up thing, bake at 350 degrees, and you find me wondering if I might want to check in with Tammy (my nutritionist from what I can't believe are somewhat olden days.) but do I really want to open up some of those slimy flashbacks (imagine: back in that waiting room, back on that scale) for the sake of talking to her? when I don't even know what I want to talk about? and when I don't know what I want to talk about... the alternative of checking in with a different nutritionist also seems weird. I don't want a confused professional treating me like I'm where I was four years ago; I want someone who knows what I need now. but I don't really know what I need now. maybe I just need support specifically around the whole food thing, something Tammy has offered in the past. maybe I just need to share the pain of continuing to get better while - for instance - what's going on with [the person I'm worried about] goes on (still haven't heard back from her; I will so lose my mind over this)... with someone who can sympathize. but then - she's so outspoken. I'm scared. I don't want to hear her war stories; I have enough of my own...

really I just need friends. or rather, it would be easier to tell what I need - in terms of recovery and professional people - if I had a friend base here. I was thinking about that in terms of a few lj communities I'm a member of (but don't so actively participate in...) I'm frustrated by the fact that, generally speaking, online you tend to discuss topics you have in common with people, rather than having discussions among people with common personalities or perspectives. that came out far more convoluted than I intended. I mean I tend to feel awkward discussing things as I want to, or from the perspective I hold, because it's the thing that connects me to other members of the community. it's not a relationship that allows us to discuss the thing. and while I'd rather speak (type) my mind and risk being flamed, it's a far cry from the connection of actual community. I feel like - if I had friends here - they might not give a fuck about, say, the Gilmore Girls... but they would be amused by my mournful tone as I discuss the Paris/Rory slash that should have been. (for example.)

in general, I just think if I had more outlets for the whole of who I am, I'd be more focused in therapy on what I can only do in therapy, which would help me figure out what I need to do. not that I want to partition off parts of my personality and go in there as only-recovery-me, or some other ridiculousness, but I would like to know what I need in that relationship. and I think part of the reason it confuses me is because I have so few others (short-distance, I mean.)

and now it's november second, and I've just returned from my first election. all I have to say is- I had to get up before 7 a.m. to do this, so it better fucking count. oh, and... I hate not knowing shit about who I'm voting for... case and point: the circuit judges. I looked up all the state candidates last night (thoroughly sickening process) and figured out where my loyalties stand, or my disloyalties waver a little less, or whatever... but I didn't even know my district, and I didn't feel like reading up on every circuit judge in the state. so I didn't. and that's annoying; I prefer to be informed.

I'm going to sleep now. wake me up when Bush no longer presides. today. tomorrow. a month from now. in January. in four years (no, no, no, no, no.) uproot the shrub! uproot the shrub!!!!

~me

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