why should you learn of war or pain?
10/28/04|7:11 p.m.

how's your day?

crappy.

crappy how?

really crappy.

ok.

not ok.

not ok how?

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't get any of it OUT, I can't cry, I can't talk...or I'm not talking. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how I feel, or what I feel; I just know I'm stressed and in pain and the doctor's not here.

ok. ok.

you want me to calm down, but I can't. I can't calm down because it's not ok, and...

you know how you feel doesn't depend entirely on whether or not things are ok.

yes. but I'm pretending not to for right now.

why?

because I feel like shit, and I just keep thinking that if I let that spiral out of control, then I'll *feel it*, I'll let it out...but it's not coming out. I'm not crying or anything, and I NEED to...

what's wrong? do you know?

no. yes. no. I'm just stressed. freaked.

about?

well, this trip to New York. I'm scared about it. I want to be excited, but I'm scared.

ok. that's ok.

and I've been such a crappy friend lately. I keep meaning to get back to people about things, and I haven't... I feel so bad about myself.

you have very forgiving friends, and so far, they haven't raised any charges. so go a little easy on yourself. it's a hard time.

I feel so bad about myself in general.

why?

I don't know. I mean, when I went out Monday and things went so poorly... for no apparent reason... I mean I was practically having a panic attack for *no reason.* and that just felt so shitty, and afterward I talked with my mom, and she was like "go easy on yourself" and I kept thinking how I wasn't being hard on myself, how that wasn't an issue, how I didn't blame myself, it had just sucked. and then the next day when she called to talk she asked how I was, and I said fine, and she asked me if I was sure. and then I totally wasn't fine. after she asked that. and obviously, if I'd really been fine, her asking me wouldn't be enough to dismantle it. but. and I'm not fine now. I know that. I just... I was doing an ok job of distracting myself until she reminded me.

about [the person you're worried about]?

I guess.

can we go there, just for a little while?

I don't know... I don't know what to say anyway.

just type.

type. ok. [Her]. struggling. [This person] is struggling. badly. in-the-hospital badly. needing-residential badly. that's life-threatening badly. and I can't stand it. she can't struggle this way.

why not?

because she's [HER]. she's untouchable. she's supposed to be untouchable. I think about what happened to her when she was a teenager, all of the horrible, horrible things that she went through... and then being sick on top of it, and almost dying, and being in hospitals... and somehow she got better, or she thought she had - and I don't get that part of it at all; was she really better? was something wrong the whole time I was at Rogers with her and we just didn't know? if she was really better, what happened, and how can it happen? how can you be ok and then just not?... that's too scary. somehow she got better, I thought, and so I was almost ok, but every time I thought about the people who had hurt her or what she'd been through, I felt so upset. and when she told me about [her daughter], I was so... I so longed for what she was giving [her daughter]. I wanted her to adopt me. not because she was like a parent really, but because I just felt better with her than I had with almost anyone, and I wanted that all the time. I wanted to live somewhere where no matter what, I would still be loved, and I wouldn't end up alone. somewhere where I could know that. I wanted to hear her tell [her daughter] the mama/daughter tiger stories. I just wanted to stand in the sidelines and take it in and pretend that it was my life. and now [she]'s not ok, and that's not ok - it's not ok that she's hurting this much or that her life is in danger or that bad things can happen to her or that I can't do anything... and I keep wanting to ask her about [her daughter]. how's [her daughter]? what do you tell her? but I don't want to ask, at the same time, because even thinking about the question makes me realize that [her daughter]'s not entirely ok. [Her daughter] doesen't have a perfect life for me to envy. and I can't fix it, for her or for me. or even for [Her]. I can't change the fact that her mom is really sick, that she's away in a hospital, and now she's (hopefully...hopefully) she's going to be away in residential. and I know [her daughter] will be taken care of, and I know that she's loved beyond... but she's not safe. nobody's safe. and that's not fair. I mean what do you have to do?

to be favored? to stop being punished?

yeah. I know, I don't believe in that...but... it feels that way. or like I'm a curse or something.

you're a cruse how?

they had this really great life and then I came in and... well, nobody can be ok if I love them.

no one can be ok all the time regardless. you just notice more when you love them.

I guess.

and you don't know what their life was when you came into it, and you do know that [she] has made a *choice* to have you in her life still... so she definitely doesn't think this is an effect of knowing you.

how completely self-centered am I? I know it's not about me. I just wish it were.

so, what/ you could sacrifice yourslef? you could walk away and bear that impossible pain, and she would be ok? you would have the power.

I want the power.

I know.

I want to be able to fix it. I finally get to a point where Sara's not in the hospital, where she's taking care of herself, and things are so difficult but they're going ok... and now I feel like, oh who the fuck am I kidding, Dixie was taking care of herself... it's not like it matters whether or not someone is doing well; if they've struggled long enough, they can die anyway. I'm so scared.

I'm so sorry.

I can't lose her.

you can't. you can't, you don't deserve to.

I need her. I love her. she's...

[Her]. she's [Her] and what else can you say.

I love her.

I know.

I feel like I lie about it. because it's so confused. I type "friend." I've been typing "friend" when I tell people what's going on... and it's not like there's a better word than that, but it's just... I begged [her] to adopt me. I mean, seriously begged. and at the same time - and she doesn't know - I was totally in love with her. I feel stupid even saying that because by this definition, by this point, how many people have I been totally in love with? but she was so ... everything. she opened me up until it hurt and then she stayed with me. and being in pain with her was better than being numb, and I got better. and she was smart and funny and she treated me like an actual person. a specific person. and she's struggling. for god's sake, she can't eat! [She]! it's [She] and she can't eat.

I know.

it's so wrong. it's so, so, so wrong. I swear if this illness were a person...

...I know.

I'd kill it. I'd pull the trigger. if I could just *end* this... it's not fair.

for any of you.

I want to be ok. I want her to be ok. I want to be able to tell her everything, and I want her to be safe and well and able to hear it. I don't want to have to worry about her. I want to lean on her without constantly wondering whether or not I'm pushing too hard. I don't want to have to pull away. I don't want to have to call on other people when I really want her. I don't want to give her time to get better. I just want her to *be* better. be ok. and for always.

I'm sure the 'process' part pisses her off, too.

I want her in my life. now. more than she is. not less. and she's going away. she's sick, and she needs to get in residential and whether or not she does... she's just totally taken up with what's going on... and it's not like I don't understand that. I mean, I wasn't getting any Most Available Friend awards when I was... when I was at Rogers, I don't think I replied to one letter. no, actually, I think I replied to *one*... the entire time I was there. I don't want her to leave even for a little while. I don't want the distance of illness; that's the worst. I mean... the second worst.

I know.

she let me get here - she... what the hell do you have to do to impress God exactly? how many lives did she transform?

she needs to save her own. she told you things were coming up, things she hadn't dealt with.

she shouldn't have those things. she shouldn't have to deal with them.

but things will be better if she does.

but she'll hurt! I don't want her to hurt. I don't want her to hurt, and I don't want her to change, and I don't want her to leave. ...I want to be building a relationship with her, not seeing her try and... I want *her* to be a solid someone to count on, someone who can be in my life now, really be here. I want her to be a source of hope. someone who can tell me why and how to keep going. and I know I should want to be peers, but I never said I wanted that. maybe I do, but... I liked who we were. before. even though I can't like that.

why can't you like that?

because I was sick then. I was getting better, but I was sick. I wasn't who I am now then. oh my god. I had all of my best relationships when I was sick.

you had people who took really good care of you. you have fantastic relationships now. you ahve your best relationships now.

so?

so?

so, it's not enough. it's not ok. it doesn't fix it.

no... it doesn't.

I want to tell her I love her. I want to sign an e-mail that way without feeling weird and wondering whether or not she'll be weirded out by it. I want to spend time with her - on the phone! in person! - until I understand who she is to me enough to tell her. it's not that I want to...have a capital-r-Relationship with her. I keep saying it's not that. not necessarily, not any more than it being that I want her to adopt me or I want her as a friend or I want her to help guide and guard me. I mean, she's still all these roles rolled together, and I don't expect it to get less complicated... I just mean that it's not clear to me what I want from her. how I want to be with her.

I know. you don't have to be.

am I a total idiot if I want a relationship-relationship with her? I'm not saying I do, I honestly don't know, but would that be totally insane of me?

seeing as she's someone you respect and value as much as anyone you've ever met, I don't see it as insane. I don't even see it as bad. but you're scared it is.

I'm scared. yeah. I mean I have no reason to think she's anything other than straight.

which doesn't make a difference in what you want, only in what can happen. so you're not insane even if she's straight.

I know. but it's so stupid. sorry. it's impractical. I mean... this is getting ahead of myself on something that is almost totally hypothetical (I know I feel *something* like that, but...) but I can't be with her. I can't help take care of [her daughter] and [her nephew]...I can't go into her family. not as an equal. maybe that's why I wanted so much to go in as a semi-daughter, as a ward. because it's not possible - I don't believe it's possible - for me to stand with her on her level.

she's older than you are.

and how much do I hate the idea that something that stupid could matter. she couldn't have been much older than I am when she had [her daughter].

that doesn't mean she was ready.

but look what she did! look who she raised. she's incredible.

and you're not? you're incredible. you're incredible, and you're ahead of yourself. you're trying to figure out how you love her, how this relationship is specifically defined... not necessarily through labels, but just - what you feel. and you just have to focus on that for now. you have to focus on how you feel about her, and if it's a capital-R feeling than think about that. you don't automatically become a stepparent by dating someone.

no. but [her daughter]'s never going to be less important than she is now.

right. but you have no idea what the percentage of possibility this idea of actually wanting *that* outcome is. so suspend some of the practical points if you need to, for awhile. you're allowing yourself to think about it as if it's just an attraction-type feeling, instead of tackling all of the feelings at once. let yourself think of it as just about you and just about [her] and so on. suspend some of those other aspects and just feel your way around it. see what you realize.

I need her around to realize it.

I know it's hard.

it feels totally selfish. "no, see, you can't be sick right now because I'm trying to figure out how I love you, and well, I *love* you and therefore you have to be around no matter what. also, you have to be ok."

that's not the only reason this is hard.

I know.

you care for all the "unselfish" reasons, too. and you're legitimately scared based on what's happened in the past.

I know.

plus, it's not selfish to need her. it's a commendation to her that she matters so much to you.

I don't want to be a drain on her, though.

you're very, very careful about that.

I want to be able to ask everything I want of her and still not be a drain.

and maybe right now you can't. but I think eventually, you will be able to. I don't think you want more than she could handle when she's healthy again.

she handles so much.

you support her, too, you know. you help her.

maybe. I hope so. I told her I'd do anything. and I would. I would do anything. I wish I could go with her into residential, sit on her bed, hug her, help her. I wish I could be for her what she... that I could do what she did for me.

I know.

I'm scared to tell her that. I don't know why, but I am. ...I love them so much. so many people so much. and I can't move on and I can't grab hold of it. can't they just be out there and ok, at the least?

I wouldn't mind.

I should know better than this by now.

now, what the fuck is that, honestly? you don't "know better" than hurting because a friend has a life-threatening illness. that's not about knowing, that's not about callouses, that's just love. you're human and you love her; she's hurting and you hurt. that's nothing you know better than.

how am I ever going to be able to do like she did if I'm such a wreck around it? I'm such a wreck when I see this mess with someone. and to think about all the people...

thinking about all the people is a lot. why don't you contain it to your life for now, remember that other people are helping other people... and remember that there won't ever come a time when you can't take it day by day or hour by hour. if you do the high-stakes work you'll have support. you don't have to build up six extra skins first.

yeah.

what?

I wish I could explain to her. how much I care about what's happening, about her. I wish I could tell her how I feel, but I don't totally know how I feel, and I'm scared to tell her the bits of it I do. I don't want to overwhelm her when she's already hurting. and I don't want to push her away, when she's already too far.

that might be something to talk with the doctor about when he gets back.

you run out of wisdom?

no. I just think he might have some perspective there. personally, I think the truth is always a good thing, and telling her how much she's loved isn't going to hurt her. you might feel better if you remember - she's not a teenager. she's not who she was when she was sick before, and she's not who you were. she wants to get better.

some of those things she said... awhile back... the things that sounded like sickness didn't make it sound like she wants to get better.

she's not perfect. damn the fact, but it is one.

I don't mean to expect perfection from her; I just...I've seen so much that's beyond good.

I know. and she is beyond good, she's incredible, she's beyond that... but... she is sick. she's sick, and that's going to be apparent occasionally. but that's not the only message you're getting. going inpatient, looking into residential - those things send messages, too. those things say she wants to get better.

yeah.

she's not going to just give it up, Mary.

but what if she wants to? I mean things have to be awful. things have to have been awful for her to get sick again. I hate the idea of her being inside that, of her wanting to let go. I hate the idea of her living a sick-life when... she's [HER]. when she has such a different life to live.

she's going to have that life, if she works on this. that's the point. she may be struggling now, but she's not going to be prohibited from having the good one forever. it's really not a punishment. for you or for her. and it's not a curse.

what do I do? with me?

...rest? it's hard. it's fucking hard; you have to allow space for that.

I want to forgive myself. I want to quit beating myself up.

you're allowed to feel. keep that in mind. you're allowed to love her, miss her, want her, be mad at her. she's allowed to matter. a lot. you don't have to be over her because she's from Rogers, you don't have to move on... and the fact that she's probably not the person you'd end up marrying if you believed in marriage doesn't mean you have to quit feeling now. you're allowed to love without a destination.

I need to clean up a little now. there's glass on the floor. I need to throw it out.

and rest.

and rest. this totally and completely sucks.

yeah. it does. the sickness part.

not the loving part. right. ...I miss my friends. I miss my future. home.

you have a good mommy and good friends-at-a-distance. you'll be ok for awhile; you'll be ok in the meantime.

doctor always picks a damn good time to leave, doesn't he?

Monday.

I know. Monday, I'm wearing the Hug Me shirt and I'm not letting go for an hour.

I like that idea.

and Friday I'm wearing my pirate costume.

I like that one, too. you're going to be ok.

and ...

she's going to be ok, too. she will. she'll do this; you know she will. and we can't make her any safer with what-ifs, so just love her and try to breathe.

rest.

right.

ok. ...godd, things were backed up this time. thank godd for a release.

I'll send a card zir way.

gracias.

no problem.

so we're going to be ok?

I don't see why not. you're going to be, we know that... and I don't see you settling for anything less. besides, the doctor said he can promise you'll be ok. he says he's that certain.

I miss him.

I know.

I feel better. I still feel really crappy, but I feel better. I think I'm just procrastinating about the broken glass now.

be careful with it. be careful with you.

please don't make it into a metaphor. I beg of you.

then please don't bait me.

ok, ok. you know what's funny?

what?

how completely crazy this must seem, how schizophrenic. and how completely helpful it is.

yeah. I know.

I figured you might. goodnight?

goodnight.

<3

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