I still haven't heard from [the person I'm worried about]. I'm kind of sick worrying about it. I can't distract myself, I feel like I have to do something... I can't do anything, really, but I won't let myself feel about it, in-depth. I feel too scared to go out today, but I have serious cabin fever. and I want to get hair dye because my hair's faded again, and I'd like it to be smashing for Halloween, in case I actually pull that pirate costume together (which I'd better)... but the concept of going to a place I've been - once, with my mom - by way of a bus stop I've never used and purchasing hair dye... is... well, it's a bit much. That's about four serious challenges in one experience, in a week when I don't have the doctor, on a day when I feel crappy. but it's very possible I'm going to my brother Dale's Saturday and staying until part of Sunday (back here for Halloween night)... and if that's the case, I'd need to dye it tomorrow at the latest. and if I dye it tomorrow, it might still be in its crazy-concentrated phase that I don't so much like on Halloween. which doesn't really matter, but I obsess about this to stop obsessing about other things. add to that the fact that I still do not have a state id (and for some reason, I feel like you'll all decide to attack me over that - probably because I'm attacking myself) and obviously I can't vote without id. if I'm at my brother's for the weekend, how do I manage to get an id before Tuesday? my mom works tomorrow... gah. she's not here to help me brainstorm and realize that it's all going to work out in some way I can't imagine.
oh, and money. dear spud, how I hate money. I'm pretty sure that if I spend more than ten dollars on myself, I automatically feel like shit. I believe that's the pattern. and now it's exacerbated because my sister's throwing this birthday shibang for my mom (whose birthday is actually the eleventh, but the party's in NYC at the beginning of December) ... and my siblings are all going in on my mom's ticket, which I can't contribute to, plus tickets to a show, plus paying for her dinner at some fancy restaurant (let me tell you how excited I am about that right now), etc... and - I don't have it. obviously. of course I don't have it. and my sister is totally cool with that; she's prepared for it. she says she'll cover me; she was already paying for my ticker, and she swears it's no big deal... but I feel crappy about it. I know that I don't have a job and that, since my mom manages the money I have through disability, I really don't have the means for this. but then, every cent that I do have (and consider spending) makes me feel *so guilty*. I mean, technically, I should not be thinking about dying my hair again because I told my siblings I don't have the money, and that's about ten dollars, and how awful of me to say I can't contribute at all and then spend the money I *do* have on other things. never mind that they're small, week-to-week things. never mind that I have half of my ten dollars per week allowance saved, most likely toward Christmas gifts for my family. so we're talking about my five dollars per week stipend. which I somehow expect to work as a real income would, or which I think others expect me to use "responsibly" - in that sense. on top of which, as I've said before, I take forever to buy things, generally, and everything that's slowly been working its way up my list (for the 10 dollars or less purchases I can stand) is probably going to get kicked to a back burner so I can buy something (which I realize I can't type here without feeling sick) that I want in order to cope with the [friend-struggling] thing. I was looking over it yesterday, and I do have the money. it about a 25 dollar purchase. ok? 25 dollars. for something that will help me cope with what's going on... but no. I'm all over myself about it because obviously I should be saving all of my money for the moment when [this particular friend] says, "Yes, Mary, please help me raise these funds" and simultaneously save all my money for my mom's thing.
and never, ever buy or do anything again. even though doing things is how I move closer to having a job which would give me an actual income. oh fuck. let's just say, oh fuck. I'm really ok with the fact that my mom deals with all the money and medical expenses and everything; I don't mind just signing the check over to her. but I can't seem to understand that *she* has "my" money, and so if my siblings did want to hold me accountable for this, it would be that money we'd be dipping into, not my -like- mad funds. but even that seems ridiculous because I think of it as my mom's money (after all, a great deal of it is)... and the idea of using my mom's money to pay for anything for my mom seems kind of ridiculous. basically asking her to chip in. which it wouldn't if I had the money that's "mine" separated out but I appreciate her dealing with the doctor and pharmacy bills and all of that. I just don't want to feel so crappy. it makes me feel like I'm ten still and very much the youngest. leechlike. and all I want is to hold the right thing while I cry/pray/wish/miss/love [this friend].
had a bad, bad day Monday, came back to the apartment, and piled up still more clothes and books to give away. I try and try to amputate the part of me that's material, but it doesn't work. and I believe in sacred objects. it helps me that the troll on my desk is from Brooke and the bears on my bed are from Beth and Sarah and the penguin is from Shan... etc. so, why can't I just feel ok about this?
money makes the world go flat. for me. I hate the way some dirty paper, some expenses, or a purchase here and there can make me feel like I'm actually not a good person. I really don't need it to have that power.
meep.
!me