private letter to Kyle Kevin Rahm:
oh, Kyle... hrm- Kevin. oh, tell me it isn't true! don't go; please don't go! why are they doing this to us? what do you want me to do about it? do you want me to stop watching the show? because I will; I will stop watching it... without you, I'll only have Tyne Daly and the occasional good Donna moment - or even rarer Sean moment - to entice me. I will walk away right now, and hope that the door slams hard on their fingers. just come back to my tv, Kyle. Kevin. please. we have a good thing going, if you think about it. sure, you're a straight recovering addict with a new child and a seriously messed-up relationship, and I'm a somewhat-gay 19-yr-old living with her mom and recovering from a mess of my own... but... we do ok. you make those amazing faces, and you laugh at all the right times to make me cry, and... well, you know that thing about filling in for someone-who-I-don't-see; you're really very good at that. and it's not weird at all; it's a perfectly logical thing to have happen when you miss someone so much. so... although it may seem like I have bigger problems right now, you'll understand that I need you as much as ever. you can't move to Minnesota now. especially since I'm not in Wisconsin. I'm not sure how it works, but so long as you're in Hartford, you're on my tv, and I feel better. can't you come back? please? ...I'll learn to call you Kevin if you come back.
*
dear godd. I'm like a sniveling soap opera junkie. and that judgment does nothing to quell the pain. :sigh: we'll work it out. relationships are never easy... specifically when they're with fictional characters who don't know you exist. :another sigh:
what next? oh... my actual life, I suppose. I so don't know how to go about this. I hate the idea of whining; I hate the endless dramatics of struggling with anything... the angst of it. the fact that, in the moment, it looks like I've lost all perspective (and sometimes I have), when really I know that life cycles in and out of phases, that the world isn't really out to get me, and that I will get through whatever seems ungetthroughable. so... if you want to ignore me while I go through this next phase of drama - because I think it's going to last awhile... maybe not a long while, but awhile just the same - I really will understand. and if you can and want to stay, I appreciate it. and try to keep in mind that I know this is passing. I'll write my way through tears, sometimes, and forget to say I'm doing better having written. so. I might be better than I seem. let's hope. as at the moment, I seem like a pretty impressive wreck. oy.
I swear, so long as I am in therapy, I 'should' avoid romantic-ish relationships of all sorts. because I honestly have all the standard relational television plots covered, as is. (tuesday, if it matters, is my most massive tv night - by far. although tonight had me thinking fondly of my more tv-free period, when I taped two or three shows and watched those alone, sans commercials. anyway, I offer this up as the potential reason my thoughts are so skewed in that direction right now.) it's amazing to me how fucked up I get when things are messy between the doctor and me. (is that correct grammar? I can never figure out the fucking "between other-person and self" phrase, or if I can, I can never remember it afterward.) it's some weird mix of fighting with your best friend (the whole confidante aspect, I suppose) and fighting with one of your parents (in the world where your parents are people you can actually genuinely lean on...) maybe I do need him too much. (let's not get into the number of parenthetical phrases already in this paragraph... topic numero seis para Viernes: I have taken this 'self-reliant' thing and twisted it into something ridiculously unnecessary, and we need to curb that. questions like: aren't I actually self-reliant? aren't I really as self-reliant as I could be in terms of where I am? and are you saying I should be further along or that you wish I was? does this mean I am too needy after all? too high-maintenance? if I'm supposed to get more self-reliant, is that just because I'll have more self to rely on, or is it because I'm more emotionally needy right now than a healthy person? do I ask too much of you, in terms of emotional support and all that?... oh, yeah. we should get through all of this by the end of Friday. six years from now.)
blagh. I had real things to say. where did they go?
some of you most amazing people are reaching out to me, and I really, really do appreciate it. I'm sorry I haven't been more vocal about that or more...receptive. I ended up getting really anxious this afternoon/evening and not answering the phone. I realized later that I'm kind of afraid to talk with any of my friends because... you're all so wonderful, basically. I know I won't get away with pretending nothing's going on for me, or that I don't need to talk (the crazy thing is, I also know that if I say I don't want to talk about any of the serious shit, you'll be ok with that... but I guess I'm worried that I do need to talk) and I'm scared. I don't like talking when I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. I don't like answering the question of how I am for someone else without having answered it myself first. I'm getting better; I don't rehearse for conversations anymore. (well, not often. not often at all.) but...usually things are more -organized- in my head. usually, I have my sessions to help me understand where I'm at in relation to things, and if I'm unsure before a session, I can get a slightly better hold by going through my week mentally or by skimming this journal and remembering what's been going on. and there's no reason I can't go through that mental process right now, but I guess I lost something with not having therapy to work through things during. right now, therapy is one of the main things that's going on - this little misstep with the doc, familiar and yet annoying (why the hell don't we get any better at preventing them?)... though thankfully not regular, is at the forefront of my brain, complicating things I depend on it to relieve.
I know that before this happened, I'd been really depressed. I don't think that's gone away. the doctor had talked about trying to find a better solution for me in terms of meds, which I'm willing to do when he figures out what. I'm still tired all the time, unable to sleep sometimes (no matter how tired I am), and falling asleep at others (no matter how much I want to do something.) I've had days where I've been bored to the edge of insanity, begging for activity, and had to put myself back to bed because I'm just too exhausted. erg. and maybe that's just healthy; maybe things really are that tiring right now... I don't know. last night I had a nightmare about my chorus teacher. she hasn't been around in awhile. she was really pissed at me for something and I was really pissed at her for something else... and I'm sure it would have provided great insight if I remembered a single spucking detail, but I don't. I do remember seeing one of the few guys who actually wanted to date me in a school hallway, having him talk to me about the fact that he didn't talk to me afterward, just something quick about not being able to handle the drama? or the rejection? or something? and the queer. and I wasn't sure what he was saying, whether he meant himself or me, and then suddenly I realized that he was wearing a dress and these knee-height sky-blue-violet boots and my mouth did this happy-o thing it does, and I complimented him on the boots, which were rocking. stranger things have happened, but godds, it is amusing. I wish I had a photo. except that I'm awake now and I realize he'd most likely kill me if he knew I thought that, even if I was not conscious at the time.
mrrm. and there was Mandy-love that progressed into something exclusive and beautiful, at which point she turned into someone my age, prompting me (on waking) to realize that I want to be comfortable with people my age. I'm almost entirely not. if they're people I know, I tend to feel like I'm in junior high or high school again, and am way messed-up, and had better not talk to anyone lest they discover that. if they're people I don't know, I tend to either feel insecure and revert back to the high school thing; assume they're older than me because I've forgotten I'm not twelve; and/or feel way, way behind them in life and probably very distant/different in other ways and certainly not like someone they'd want to befriend. and this is ridiculous. I am glad that, on other fronts, age is not an issue for me. I'm glad that I easily connect with people who are older than me. (well, as easily as I connect with anyone.) I'm glad that I enjoy people who are younger than me, so long as they're enjoyable. there's no reason I shouldn't learn how to enjoy people my age as well. and I do. I have very good friends in the 1984-'86 range, and I'm sure others exist. I just can't seem to feel comfortable around them. suckage.
speaking of those people, Sara (who is one of them) called tonight. I listened to her message; she was crying and having trouble talking because of it... which seriously freaked me out. eventually, I understood that she'd read about half of the play I sent her, in response to her saying all these beautiful things about me, my writing, and how much she wanted to read more of it. I sent her "Steep" - with lots of warnings first... seeing as that's the play about loving people who are sick and loving when you're sick yourself and... aiy. my response now is - what the hell was I thinking? she just lost someone, for crying out loud. and what did I do? she got her voice back at the end of the message, and she said more beautiful things, so I guess she's not upset *with* me... at least not too much... but I was. am. I don't like the idea that I made her cry. I'd never want to do that... I *want* her to come down and have a good time and... blah. I dialed half her number before I realized that I couldn't possibly confine the conversation to the ten minutes I had and that I was really terrified to talk. at which point I had the revelation about my friends being too good for me to talk to them (oy) and went to veg. I will call her back very, very soon. bah. I made my sister cry...
speaking of sisters. they might have caught one of the guys who mugged my sister. seeing how little justice there is in this situation - in the overall situation of women being unsafe on the streets - this little victory would be very, very cool. let's hope. if it was as petty as it seems to be, maybe this will return the jerk's brain to its proper, functional position.
and now for the totally out of nowhere problem of the day: I'm being bugged by my reasons-I-don't-want-to-be-a-mommy. and not just because there are so many unjustly adorable children around either. I'm actually being bugged as I think about work - good work...like, career work. this whole idea of I want to help people, and can I really do that, can I really handle the pain that people are going through well enough (at all) to help them go through it? I mean, this is all I want to do - granted... this is all I can imagine committing my life to... but... hello. I do not do well with other people in pain. and I'm not going to be able to magically fix it, and I don't do well with *that* at all... Thinking about it somehow reminded me that the reason I always end up at - if I bypass the 10,000 other reasons I 'shouldn't' have a child - is that there's no such thing as a perfect parent. and having *that job* (being someone's mom) knowing that I would screw it up is just not something I've ever fathomed being able to handle. it's too important to go into knowing I would screw up. and now I'm surrounded by realities like - so is this other thing I *have* to do - and platitudes like... maybe all the worthwhile things are.
baaaah. all those things I rejected just come back to screw me over, you do realize that? oh, I don't want to have crushes. oh, I don't want to date. oh, I don't want a sexuality. oh, I don't want to have kids. oh, I don't want to go to college. some of my decisions do actually stay the same, you know. so why must I constantly reevaluate them? is it just because I love over-analyzing sooo much? because I'm so completely in love with introspection? I'm addicted to picking my brain apart and putting it back together again in ever new and more frightening ways? hmm?
I don't know. I don't know much of anything right now. I have lots of information, but no conclusions, and very little short term memory. (it runs in my family. at least, I think it does... where are they?)
right. I had something coherent to talk about. something coherent and fairly lengthy. regarding the doctor. don't remember it. at all. also wanted to joke and over-analyze the absolute drama of internet communities. I had forgotten how impressive are these histrionics. it's interesting to partake again.
it's still October. I (still) miss Wisconsin's (better) leaves. I think candy corn is unethically overrated. (as much as marshmellow peeps, or dare I say it - that godddamn cadbury egg.) that is your useless piece of Halloween knowledge for the day. also, I have yet to start work on my Bluebeard costume. meaning I'm ahead of my usual schedule. but still, it sucks as I want to actually finish it before November. for once.
and now it's one minute to one and I've just spent about an hour on the phone with my sister... which felt very good and sister-ish, even though I want to be there and have superpowers that allow me to kick certain boy-criminals very hard... I do love that girl. and I'm so glad she let herself call me because as much as she likes to not need anyone, I like the opportunity to be the only (genetic) sister she has.
please try and contain your jealousy. I'm just unforgivably fortunate on certain fronts... sisters being one of them.
end entry, end. it won't end! ahhh! *goodnight*...
~me