I'm scared. technically, I guess that makes sense since a lot of scary things are happening. there's going out to accomplish, riding the bus for the first time Since, the whole temporary-insanity leading me to ask someone over or out or whatever we decide if I ever have the guts to pick up a phone again... there's the fact that the doctor is sick.
help.
my doctor went into work today, for the first time in about a week. he ended up cancelling all his later appointments and going home because he was too ill to work. still. as my mom said, "wahtever it is, he isn't rebounding." as my mom said, I'm starting to wonder if he's had chronic health issues for sometime. if it isn't just the fact that he works with a lot of kids, and people who work with kids get sick. and as my mom didn't say, I'm scared out of my fucking wits. there's the fact that I care about him, and he's not ok, and I can't do anything to help... there's how much it would hurt, how much I don't want to go through losing him... there's how badly I need him, and all this awful bargaining with the sorts of gods I don't even believe in, trying to convince the universe that although I will do whatever the hell I have to in order to keep him safe, I do know that I will get better no matter what. still. I have done so much of this the hard way, and... there isn't any non-hard way... and... as hard as I'm trying to do so, I don't want to prove that I don't need him. obviously, I have some needs; I need some people... and I just want this to last. this is the first time I've been in therapy with the same person for more than a few months, and it's not just that... it's everything. I don't want to lose him, and I want him to help me get better, and take credit/pride when I am... also... I just like having someone who knows so much about me. I was at this wedding reception Saturday, and I was talking to some people who haven't really known me for four or six years, and I realized how almost impossible it is to "catch them up." I don't think it's really possible to catch anyone up starting from my life before Rogers. it's like they either need to just get to know who I am now or listen to this basic logical framework: I did this, this, this, this this, etc., and try to fill in my identity. the doctor gets it. he doesn't get all of it, obviously; just Friday I was saying I was irritated with him because we hadn't been communicating because neither of us knew what was going on... but he knows so much. and I trust him so much. and I like him so much, and I just need him to be ok. please. please give him the chance to keep his promise about staying because I know that, given the opportunity, he really will be here. he really will keep it.
and I know it's only been a week, but... that's a long time to him; I know it is... and it started as days adding up into a week this past December. so once again, I have to convince myself I have not gone back in time. ok. I will. but I'm not ok with this happening now, either. I would like him healthy and back in his office, please. I would like to unmistakably be the sick one in our relationship, even if he insists on more accurate descriptions. in part because he does.
I'll send this up to Whomever I'm too scared not to believe in right now, and I guess I'll ask what I haven't had to ask in awhile, of any willing one of you. do whatever you can. whatever you do that's like magic, like praying, like hope. I need his health out of jeopardy. I need his life stable because I want so badly for him to be a part of mine.
in the meantime, I'll be working on the relatively small potatoes. and remembering he did go into work today. it isn't last December. he's not in the hospital. he was a lot sicker before and got better from there. ...he's thinking about me...
maybe not that last one too often. that last one makes me cry more. but then, he'd ask if that's such a bad thing. gyah. I officially do not have enough kleenex to continue this entry. be ok, be ok, be ok. we'll both be ok; we will.
~me