my dear diaryland.
I don't know what to say to you. it feels right to be here, for once, writing in this little white box. the little white box that every entry for four years passed through... I don't know what's up with me right now. as much as I love it here, I like the more community at lj, and the privacy I feel there. I think about passwording this journal, but that's not what I want from diaryland. but the things I'm compelled to write right now, I'm not always compelled to share. I'm not ashamed of them (usually) and I'm not afraid of them (necessarily) ... but some part of me just likes the quieter, more closely-knit feeling there. I don't know what to do with it - because I'm not bothering to post entries here for days at a time... I'm never really *writing* here (with now as the exception...) and there are people here I miss and lives I'm sorry to be behind on... but there's something right, right now, about writing in a journal with a magnetic flap to seal it shut, and a journal where every entry can be shown to any combination of friends I choose (except those who aren't at lj, too.) and I want this to be a phase; I don't want to leave diaryland at all... so many good things have happened here, because of my journal(s) here... I don't want to leave it behind. but lately, it's something I do out of habit. I go through the motions. cross-post entries so that this want be such a ghost-town, post something because I don't want the space to go untended. maybe this is what I get for honoring a song - well, actually two songs - about getting out and moving on... I'm not moving on; I want that understood. I'm still here. and I'll probably still post entries, even if I don't write them here, even if they're delayed.
there's just something new happening, and I don't know quite how to handle it. this something new hasn't ever happened before.
but I need to say this here and reassure myself: I do know what I've gotten here. I am still Atoms, Chord, and Mary Brave. and there's no need to grieve before I even know what's happening. I guess we'll just play it by ear; you can almost always stir me with a note. (I've stopped being notified when someone signs the guestbook, so it can take me awhile to respond to that.) but, you know. I'm going to try to still be here for the people who are still here, even if I'm on some sort of vacation. even if I'm not sure where I am.
I'm doing well, though. locked eyes with The Beast at the end of last week- major showdown, and I do believe I won. the battle. haven't had one that scary in some time, but I'm doing alright now. sick as hell with a migraine, but emotionally... I just keep thinking of this great, great, great conversation I had with my Sara tonight and hearing Matt Nathanson singing "then I'll be smiling"...
which is kind of silly, considering, I already am.
love, you know-
~me