check-in. my pulse.
07/19/04|4:06 p.m.

status report [update]: went to doctor feeling foul and silent. listened to him discuss changes in daylight as possible reason for my upsettedness. informed him that actually, people suck, and that's the main factor on which the upsettedness is hinging. talked about mother, brother, father, lifeguard, and kindness from strangers. cried angry. cried sweet. cried kid-like. cried adult-like. cried hard and sad and soft and loud. was glad I cut my nails earlier this week, as it kept me from acting on the passionate impulse toward clawing at things. tea kettle screamed, steam released, but nothing put in place to change it all. doc's diagnosis: we spent today figuring out what was going on and didn't really get the chance to make any of it better. except that it's intrinsically better when I know what's going on. except that I cried there, during instead of here, afterward - and that makes a difference.

and Sara called. I was exhausted, eating a late lunch, and needing some crash time, so I asked to talk with her later. I didn't want to do it when she told me that was ok because it felt so good to hear her voice. but whatever, "needs." I need to talk to her, too. so I will. soon.

blue hair this Sunday or next Sunday. I know. I'll believe it when I shed it, too...

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