so, the second time someone my age, someone I went to school with (ok, technically, it's the first with that) decides to get married is no less bizarre than the first. officially. I'm thinking now of one of my closest hs friends who is "unofficially engaged", "engaged to be engaged", and even as far as that pushes it into the future, it still confuses me totally. because it means she's thinking about that, now, that she's focused on making that happen. and I can't imagine doing so, no matter how lovely your relationship is. and not simply because I sort of despise marriage. not simply because we've experienced how wrecked people are after divorce, understand that the divorce rate is through the roof, and we seem to still be jumping into gowns and tuxedos. I think, more than that, it's because I pretend to have the smallest inkling of understanding when it comes to *why* so many marriages don't work. I'm thinking about the wedding vows, the traditional "do you take/ I do" vows. and I know one of them personally, experientially. I know "in sickness and in health." I know how impossible that one can feel, how impossible it often is. and I've stayed in relationships in sickness and in health, and I know that it's possible, but I think about what it takes, what it drains from you, how heartbreaking it is to be helpless, to love someone you can't help and/or who doesn't want your help... and I just... I can imagine making the decision to enter a relationship, with that commitment, (I enter most relationships in a very committed way - but obviously, I've come nowhere near this particular relationship; I'm still not entirely post-asexual, for heavyn's sake) but knowing what that means, I can't imagine getting married. for me, ever. in theory, yet. because I think I would have to be in a relationship and experience the reality of so many of those vows before I could say, "alright. I can really say that I'm committed to handling anything." and even then, I'd be searching my mind to make sure I understood that I still hadn't "handled" everything, that there really were going to be further challenges. ... I dinno. obviously, this all applies to commitments outside of marriage. and not everyone is looking for what I'm looking for... there are marriages that work for the people in them that wouldn't work for me. so none of this is meant as "wtf are you people doing?" so much as "I can't imagine." ...and if all you've known is shelter, but you're going to stay sheltered, stay in the same small town with someone else who did the same, will you ever even know what you've avoided? (sidestepped, blessedly, or to your loss?) oy. life just ain't the same for some of us. and I'm thankful to learn that "us" is not limited to the (erm, many personalities of the) girl who left sophomore year because she was dying, found people who could help her save her life (hell, even make her want it), finished hs without ever again attending a class, and made and lost a few ...quite intense... relationships along the way.
I suppose most high school is this weird. and most post-high-school. I suppose it's not entirely the fact that N*land high school is a torture chamber masquerading as an educational facility. or that I'm an exception to nearly every rule of high school (and I still thank love for that as often as I think of it.) still. I think everything is amplified by the fact that I registered for a horror film instead of a high school...
and speaking of that lovely "hometown" of mine (p'sh, p'sh, p'shaw - Oconomowoc = home") ... I have some things to say about that movie - "Saved." but, you know, why procrastinate now when I could procrastinate later?
exactly.