i wanta go home. with you. and nobody else. will do...
06/21/04|7:20 p.m.

I'm really trying to come up with a reason this day deserved to exist, but so far I'm at a loss. other than talking Harry-Potter-talk at my session (doc saw the movie over the weekend, mwa ha ha, behold my power - b'cos, you know, I'm sure *no one else* has mentioned it to him) life was a bit lackluster today. lackluster plus a migraine plus a session which went all weird and ended with me crying. oy. it wasn't a terribly bad session, meaning I'm not once again returned to the "why, why? why must he be so good one moment and so cruel the next?" state I find so insufferable. we just started out discussing Harry Potter and then we got onto a tangent that made no sense to me about grief... he said that I talk differently about the fifth book now then I did right after reading it. and how that's a sign that I successfully grieved the loss between the fourth and fifth books. I have no idea what he's talking about. I asked him to explain it to me, and he talked about how things got more complicated, and how while I partly appreciated that complexity, I also missed the earlier books. I sort of stared at him. first of all, I felt like OotP was sort of a continuation of GoF, so if there's a separation in the series, it's between PoA and GoF. secondly, I have no memory of feeling that way; OotP is tied with GoF for my favorite book in the series. and thirdly, when I look at the scenario, understanding that I don't remember it, I can't even imagine or fabricate a reason I'd have felt like he described. he wasn't talking about Sirius, and we all know that I'm only fully upset about that now... so... wtf? I questioned him on it, explaining how I couldn't remember, and then he frustrated me with talk of state-dependence, and how it was apparently not a good tangent to bring up because I must not be in a state where I can remember it. I was like, "Right. there's no possibility you've confused me with someone else who read the book? there's no possibility that you got the wrong vibe, seeing as you're basing this on what you felt was true and not any of my behavior/ speech? there's no possibility that you're wrong; I just can't remember my own life?" ... er, rather - that's what I said in my head. in reality, I kept sort of pushing at him (remembering my resolution to cry out the second I started to feel misunderstood or misinterpreted) and he eventually said it was possible he'd misread me. and then things pretty much turned around again, except that I felt we weren't discussing anything really worthwhile. he mentioned not being as fond of the new Dumbledore, which comforted me a little. I've never felt that they've found Dumbledore, the way that they truly found Hermione and Ron and other people. and a lot of folk really like the new Dumbledore, so he was the first to mention to me that he found him flat... but I didn't want to talk too long about what there is *not* to like about Harry Potter (that just seems wrong) ... so I brought up how much I loved Sirius and Lupin. and I told him that Lupin is one of my favorite characters in the entire series, which of course drew his interest immediately. he asked why, and I explained part of it. I didn't quite get out the attraction of Lupin's character, having been through so much, being the only remaining Marauder, having to stay on the move and so forth... I mostly just discussed his relationship with Harry, how he's the first teacher to really connect with Harry outside of a class, to look after him, and build a relationship with him. Of course, Dumbledore and McGonogall are both looking out for him, but they never go on walks or give him extra lessons. and what do I love more than a wonderful person with a few extra years who wants to take me under their ...erm... paw?

and then we talked for awhile about how it felt inappropriate to discuss light topics today, the way we did Friday (at first), because I had some heavy feelings weighing me down... but I also didn't feel like going into the harder things, which I at least listed - so far as I know them. he asked me what would be the best way to spend the last part of the session, and I had no idea. what would make me feel better. I had no idea. if the goal was to feel better. "well, I wouldn't exactly *mind.*" I told him I'd feel better if I could live in Wisconsin, and he asked about it like a realistic goal - when do I want to be there, etc... to which I explained that I don't think about it as something that can actually happen. I don't think about becoming an adult because, as we've discussed, my defintion of "adult" sucks, and therefore should be avoided. he asked me to define it again; I suppose he doesn't remember that (although he did remember some response I didn't have to OotP...um, ok) and I explained that adults are people who know how to do everything and have to do it all alone. he asked who in my life was an adult because "by that definition, I don't qualify." I shrugged. he said that I've watched my mom work very hard to do things on her own, and I've had to do many things on my own, but that's not always the case, and I could feel myself tensing inside.

tears. "there goes my no-crying streak," I said. he suggested that it was a good thing, that I've said before I tend to cry when I'm getting close to a solution. "I'm just stressed," I said. "I haven't solved anything." and then he told me he wished I had a Lupin to go through this with me and I started shaking from the tears. he didn't speak for awhile; I was crying too hard to talk. finally, I managed to pull my face out of my hands and say how I've wished for that for so long... and I've even gotten it, here and there... he said something about Mistrandy, and I said no. she's wonderful, and that relationship was great, (is great, when I hear from her) but it wasn't one of these relationships. "that teacher. your English teacher? or maybe she didn't teach English. maybe she taught math?"

I nodded. "both," I said, and then to clarify: "they both were.

"And Rogers," I added after a moment, choking unexpectedly on the word.

"And Rogers," he repeated.

I took a long breath and said, "You."

"Oh," he said, in a breathy I-didn't-know sort of way. I started to cry harder again. So now you understand why I can't imagine life beyond therapy. So now you understand why I can't possibly get better and move on... because I don't want to lose you. but I couldn't say that yet. just like I couldn't say, "what would really help for the last 15 minutes, is if you'd just hug me. or hold me. or touch my shoulder or hold my hand. or sit next to me. if you'd just let me be that real for a little while..."

instead, still crying, losing control of the words: "I don't want to be lonely anymore."

exactly as someone who has just been told that they're a Lupin is meant to say it: "I don't want you to be lonely anymore."

we'll meet Friday. we'll keep it light so I can go to my brother's (in KC) afterward. but we'll keep it heavy enough that I have something to hold onto... a week from Friday we need to meet an hour early, and that Monday is the fourth of July, take care, let me touch your hand, etc. I went outside and for the first time in a century, stood on the sidewalk waiting for my truant mom. (he always runs at least a half-hour, if not two and a half hours, late, and she, counting on that, had not yet arrived.) I stood on the sidewalk, feeling the quasi-fall air, and thinking, "see, no reason to be lonely..." in a soft, sarcastic tone.

no reason to crave with everything from my teeth to my toes, with my eyes and my nerves and every atom in me... that I could go home. go home to my family.

it wasn't the worst way to spend a session. I wasn't alone with it afterward; I wasn't cut off from him by frustration or miscommunication or both. so the pain was just the same old pain again. I miss you. I love you. I want to come back. I belong where you are.

everything... everything else - just feels like filler.

~me

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