my parents. are divorced.
a year ago, I was fighting to call my dad and wish him a happy father's day, even though I felt too angry and hurt to speak. a year ago, I was sitting in a fucking Borders with my mom and brother, while she very carefully stated some standard - and completely unsatisfying, transparent - reasons why she and my absent dad were getting a divorce. I was 18. you just can't believe something can end like that, when it's lasted your whole life. (longer...) despite everything, I've stayed here this whole time, and I always assumed... on top of which I was told... never, ever, we don't believe in, you do know it won't happen don't you... and it did.
a year ago when the ending started, I had ridiculous reasons. but my mom let go of that speech, and I've started to understand some of the reasoning behind it. I've had a year to get used to the idea of my parents not being in unit, in any way other than a concept, in regard to anything other than me. I've had a year to learn how to see them in two different homes in two different states. I've had a Christmas and an Easter and a birthday. I've hated it. I've lost something, something that never was as much as I deserved anyway; the little that I had they took away. not maliciously, of course. it fell apart in their hands, and therefore they're accountable, but that crumbling hurt them, too. I don't want to go too far into compassion at the moment, though. because a year later, everything's still so cloudy. a year later, we're just starting to end and to start. tonight, my mom told me - with some prompting - that it did happen. officially. that it has happened.
a year ago, my parents were divorcing. today - for some days now - my parents are divorced... certainly not the worst pain or the worst loss I've faced, but relativity never healed a wound.
in other news, I think I need to befriend the owner of a furniture store. because I think when I have my transgenetic family reunion, that would be a good place. imagine the comfort of all those sofas. we could fix the lighting and decorate the consumerism out of it. and then I could watch the best people in my life meet each other. I could lounge around with everyone I love. the hard thing remains missing my family. the hope, I guess... the hope is that I know far more factors into family than whether or not my parents wear the rings.
~me