i can learn to do it. pull yourself together, and you'll pull through it.
06/14/04|11:12 p.m.

so, basically, I've been pushing myself way beyond my ... well, they aren't really limits - at least, I don't want to think of them that way. but I've had too much pressing on and too little resting, and I'm really getting spare now. I'm barely awake, and I don't mean just *now* - I mean all day today, even though I slept fairly well last night. and yesterday. after Friday, I felt completely devoid of energy, and I still went out Saturday, until I felt completely out of control and in need of a hiding place, and I *still* went out on Sunday ... it's a very murky thing. I don't think I've been making the wrong decisions, really, but I don't think I've necessarily been making the right ones. I guess I don't really think there are right or wrong ones here, not in a way I can know, at least. but it's become evident that I need to do things a little differently. or at least, I need to take care of myself as I do them. I don't think it's a matter of how much I've been doing as it is a matter of the manner in which I've been doing so much. it's been at a breakneck pace, with such huge pressure, such demand from myself (constantly), and guilt when I don't stack up to my standards... I feel like I'm in high school again. and that's a very, very bad thing. I'm strongly compelled to take a few days to recouperate, as became my pattern when not leaving the house established itself as routine. but I keep going out anyway. and when I try and figure out when I can take a day (because after all, my goal *is* only five out of every seven days) I end up stringing together everything that I need to do in the next two weeks, in such a way that I don't feel I'll ever have another moment to catch a breath. (another familiar habit.) aih. so that needs to change. yes, I need to decide whether or not I can handle hosting three hs friends on Thursday, and let them know. yes, I need to call Sara just to let her know I'm thinking of her and I love her and because I want to hear her voice. yes, I need to call R-Brittany because she left me a message ages ago. yes, I need to return my library books and renew the ones I was attempting to read at an uncomfortably high speed... yes, I need to call my dad and probably go out and do something with him. (maybe he'd like to see Harry Potter? ;)) yes, I need to chop my hair off and dye it blue. yes, I need to go visit my brother next weekend. so on and so forth, but even typing it now, I'm not getting so exhausted or frazzled. I can hear the "however" loud and clear. the "but", the "that said," the, "EVEN SO." however, I don't need to do all those things at once. that said, I don't want to push myself until I collapse entirely. even so, I need to take time for myself. I need to do all of these things, but I need to understand and remember that others can understand that it's hella exhausting and I've a lot with which to deal.

squee. I feel a little better now. I crashed entirely this evening, fell into a deep sleep for a couple of hours, and woke up not knowing what time of day or day it was. I kind of enjoy the disorientation caused by naps. it makes time seem even more imaginary. time. oh, time. I think my scarcity-issues apply to time as well. I would like to quit feeling like my time is always running out. I would like to grow out of the "Every weekend has its Monday, every summer has its fall, every Christmas has its January" mentality with which I'm so thoroughly indoctrinated. obviously, every week does have its Monday (and so forth) - but especially now, when I *don't* have the demands of school or work... considering that, I'd like to use it to learn how to live without being certain that something bad is about to crash into me at full-speed. I suppose that's a lot of what facing the phobias entails. sitting around by a pool going, "hey, look. two people just walked in, and I haven't exploded." "well, what do you know? that girl's roughly my age, but the sky doesn't seem to be crashing down on my head."

of course at this point, it's still, "I'm having a much harder time breathing; however, I haven't exploded, and the sky hasn't fallen on my head." but these so-called "corrective experiences" take awhile.

speaking of stupid therapy terms, if the doctor defines empathic failure for me *one. more. time.* I am going to jump on his couch and dance like a crazed chimpanzee. yes, I know there's a term for it. yes, I know what that term is. yes, I know all the interesting points about it. oy. empathic failure is one of the literary terms of therapy. it's one of those phrases you have to pretend again, every term, you don't know. alliteration, metaphor, imagery, denotation, connotation. he "introduced" the term for the six millionth time today, and now I'm having memories of sitting in my freshman honors English class being taught subject from predicate and how to recognize an adverb. so, ok. next time. in lieu of imitating an animal, I'll mention to him that we've gone over that one once or twice. or six hundred zillion times.

...the session went well. I was incredibly direct, which always manages to surprise me. I think, in spite of some lingering blindness toward my capabilities, I'm really quite good at understanding relationships and articulating what I understand. I'm reminded of the most recent letter to Dave - the one where I told him (I'm smiling now because Sara was so wowed when I told her this) flat out that I want to have a relationship with him that is not a counselor/client relationship, and I've done everything I know to do based on that; however, it's as dangerous for him to act like my therapist as it is for me to act like his client, and I don't think he's dismantled the defenses and other trademarks of his counselor persona. basically, we spent the session going over how upset I was, and why. I was able to give him several examples of what he'd said Friday and why it had hurt me, along with some less recent stories. we talked about little things - like why I enjoy metaphor when it's used to help understand a concept, but when it comes to discussing that concept, I have a strong need to discuss it literally (because I knew *nothing but* metaphor and fiction for so long.) and we talked about big things - like how I leave sessions like Friday feeling as if I'm the threat/ obstacle to my own recovery, doubting myself completely, ashamed, cut off from one of two people I see every week, understanding that he hasn't meant to hurt me, understanding some of what was important in what he said, and only feeling more assured that he's right and I'm wrong because of this. I talked about how I wish we could work through this part of the "process" the same way we've worked for the past few years, without these "empathic failures" being *so* routine. he said later that he wasn't sure how to do what we're doing now the way we've done things in the past, and honestly, I was really comforted by that. simply because it implies that he feels a change in how we're doing things. he may not understand exactly how or why things have changed, but he didn't say anything like, "I don't understand what you think is different" which is the sort of thing I expect to hear. (note to self: he's really not Harriet.) erm... so yeah, I just sort of improvised, told the truth as it came to me, and stayed a direct course. we didn't really come to many conclusions; as much as I want this to be something I can solve, it's really not. we just talked, and we looked at the very confusing, painful reality that I - under no circumstances - want to sacrifice progress for comfort (he made me say, "I don't want to back off so I can feel good" because I said, "I don't want to back off just so I can feel good" and he thought it was important for me to hear... ah, therapy) I also don't want to brutalize myself unnecessarily. I've been in therapy where the ends justified the means, and I'm extremely grateful for what happened there, but I'm not looking to repeat it. not given the option of the way things *have* worked with the doc. but he doesn't know how to make them that way right now. so I think we're just going to keep talking and tread more carefully. I need to question what he says as soon as it sounds wrong, and I need to remember that while he's accountable for everything he does, his intention is never to hurt me, and he really is doing what he thinks is best in every moment. I need to yell a lot when I start to feel like even if I yell and yell he won't hear me. as in, I need to make him know it's one of those moments. and he needs to do a lot of things, too. I told him a few hundred today; hopefully, he thought to write them down because I certainly can't rememeber all the rules I gave him. tee hee.

it was a very business-like session, but I felt like a peer, like a partner in conducting that business so I did ok...

and at the end, he got out of me that I went to see Harry again last night, and I ended up just babbling about why the movie's so good, (he finally said, "sounds like I really need to go see it," which he followed half-a-second later with, "as if that wasn't predetermined"), as well as the anecdote about the film cutting out, and when it finally started to play again the first line was Ron's, "What the bloody hell was that all about?" he totally lost it. it was beautiful. he was clapping and repeating the words and laughing all loose... I was grateful for that, and I had no trouble laughing, too.

and then I came here, collapsed into my own little world, and eventually slept. I ignored the phone, which I heard ring twice - which of course, meant there were two messages for me. (stupid murphy with his stupid law.) one was a voice I've never heard before and look forward to hearing more of... it reminded me of some very caring, connected voices - like Mandy's and Ruth's. so, yeah. you know who you are.

I vaguely remember that other things happened today, but today is officially yesterday (it's 12 on the dot, and on the clock as well) ... and that means it's time for bed.

~me

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