We always used to say you must have a gaurdian angel, because you made it through so many impossible circumstanses and always came out stronger.
and see, I remember that about Tracy... I remember sitting in groups with her and talking about how anyone who had survived that many times, who had lived through things it's not possible to live through - the suicide attempts - ...there must be a reason. there must be a reason they're still here. you must have something left to do; your life must be important.
and I remember watching that memory play over and over again, when that one time (one time - it only takes one time) she didn't make it. realizing we'd been wrong. that her life did matter and there was a reason she needed to be here and she did have things left to do (live past seventeen, for one...) - but it wasn't evidenced by the fact that she survived. because when she didn't, when she died, it was all still true. there were still a thousand meant-to-be's and now they wouldn't be.
and that's why faith turned inside out for me. because "everything happens for a reason" became too sharp-edged a lie to ever say again. I'm still alive, and I believe that she is, too... and I've found my gifts in what happened, gifts enough to help me keep going. but there is no reason to balance what went wrong. there is no way to look at the situation and say it was meant to be.
and you multiply that by nine other girls on a floor, rotating in and out for three months, plus ten or so people on two other floors, also rotating, also multiplied by three months, plus staff, plus people you know from outside the hospital, plus stories you stumbled across on-line...
no wonder I choke on my heartbreak. (sometimes. and sometimes, I'll be ok again. safe; I promise I'm safe.)