so, I managed to successfully (telepathically) beg the doctor for meds, after all. I calmly discussed the trouble I've had sleeping; he detailed three kinds of trouble (insomnia at night/ make-up-nap by day, always-tired-can't-make-it-up insomnia, and coma sleep - the kind I can't wake up from, despite having nightmares, which leaves me ready to sleep days away) and asked which sort it was. I mentioned the first sort occurring last week and told him that right now it's pure coma, which makes even more sense as that's the sort that goes along with migraine, and I've been unjustly afflicted with migraine as of late. his actually-having-been-to-med-school suggestion was different than the one I'd predicted; he asked that I start taking half a propranolol in the morning and half a propranolol at night. (propranolol pills are slightly smaller than the tip of one's pinkie... which makes cutting them in half... interesting... and the idea that half a pill could do something a little dubious... yet, I hope. I have to hope.) the propranolol and the desipramine (the desipramine being my guess as to what needed adjustment) were both prescribed by the doc, so I don't know as much about them. (by the point he prescribed them, I trusted him to know what he was doing, and he explained their properties sufficiently that I didn't feel the need to do my own research. or, apparently, remember. but whatever.) it stands to reason, so far as I can see, that the desipramine is sort of an over-a-period-of-time drug, similar to the Effexor, and the propranolol is an emergency, in-the-moment drug. and if that's the case - the fact that for months, overall, I've had relatively little trouble with migraine, but recently its presence has exploded once again, would suggest that it's more an in-the-moment problem. the doctor's theory is that after a few weeks of craziness, during which my adrenaline was spiking, the relative relaxation of the past week (during which, he says, I've looked better than I did) has my body trying to return to a normal state, and it's being an overachiever and doing too much, and basically, the result is migraine. he went further, saying that if someone experiences pain - like migraine or the stomachaches I had as a kid - every time they start to relax, but not when they're anxious, what are they likely to quit doing? And I mentioned how much that sucked; he concurred and said that, while there was obviously work to be done on a cognitive level, he wanted to work with the biology a little more right now, so that I could be in the best possible position when I'm doing the cognitive, emotional, and behavioral work. He says that the adrenaline is spiking too high at this point, that it goes too far up, and then when I come down from it, I get ill. In time, I can learn how much stress (good or bad) I can handle before needing some time to de-stress, and use that to my advantage. Right now, I just need to stop feeling like I'm going to die a grisly death if I blink, hear, or move.
Today is better, though. Despite coma sleep and really bad nightmares (there's one image I cannot get out of my head, and I would do anything not to have it... maybe I'll analyze the hell out of it later so as to keep it from seeming like a real experience - because, you know, I never analyze real experiences - and turn it back into a symbol. A really poorly-chosen symbol. Blugh) I don't feel so sick today. Maybe I'm just hyper for other reasons. I'll discuss those later. This entry was interrupted by a two-hour phone call, and I'm having a lot of (mainly happy stressful) emotions that make this "and then the doctor said" schtuff tres boring. Also, my mom and Marybeth will be back soon. And my brother will be stopping by to pick up his truck, which he left here when he went to Kansas City for the weekend. (My mom drove him to the airport.) So I have to go socialize, I guess. Or decide if I want to socialize. Or something.
I liked the call with Sara; I'd prefer that everything be really quiet and low-key for four or five hours now.
~me