why I need sleep. now.
05/19/04|10:04 p.m.

so, in case you were wondering about my true colors:
brave
braveatoms
atoms
MaryBrave
there you go.

in other news... [I suggest you only read the following if you are an American Idol addict. anyone else may experience an unpleasant level of concern/nausea while scrolling through my fanatic ramblings. for your own safety, please - be prudent. This part of the entry will be marked at beginning and end by asterisks.]

***

I took my anxiety meds in order to watch television tonight. that, my friends, is a new level of weird. but I couldn't help it. I am an admitted American Idol addict (to the point that I almost consider the dismissal of Latoya London - not to mention Jennifer Hudson and Tamyra Gray - sound reason to seek Canadian citizenship, something I only otherwise consider based on politicking-me-off), and I honestly can't stand the stress of watching the results show. it is, as my brother says, rigoddamndiculous. and as hard as I tried to abandon the show when the finale was ruined (Fantasia Versus Latoya - duh), I simply had to share my support. because I do this thing where I get attached to people - maybe I've mentioned it before. oh, I have a hundred quazillion times? well, then, ok. and no, it isn't limited to people that I know, or celebrities; so far as I can tell, it's entirely limitless. and I'm a 'Tasia girl. entirely. I can't help it! did you see "Summertime"? have you paid attention? Due props to Diana and Jasmine and everything, incredible vocal ability (not so incredible as a certain someone whose name I won't mention but whose initials are Latoya London- but still) aside - but Fantasia is the only singer in the top three (and now the top two! thank you Hawaii for finally calling Jasmine home!) who is not made of plastic. honestly. Diana has, in her recent performances, shattered the doll image Simon rightly called her on early in the season - but when she talks, she is still a bubbly beauty queen whom I wish all the best but toward whom I feel absolutely no connection. and this is impressive progress actually from my early opinion over; I think she deserved to place third or fourth, either before or just in front of Jennifer Hudson. meanwhile Jasmine, who was one of two favorites when I first heard her sing, has failed to maintain my loyalty. (and when does that happen???) so, for one point, I apparently am getting past my tendency to hold grudges against musicians... and for the other, Fantasia's had me totally hooked for weeks. I don't know whether she or Latoya should have made Idol in the end, but personally, the silly, grounded 19-yr-old with a voice that is absolutely mind-blowing (and unique; hooray for something new) has had my vote sealed for weeks. that is, assuming, I can get through... my fanaticism ascended to a new level this season when I actually began voting. scariness. and last night in and hour and a half of hitting redial, I managed to get through a grand total of five times. five freaking times. thank love some other people managed to break through...

also. Tamyra Grey writes her own songs. this makes her even cooler than she was previously. her performances were absolutely amazing. (take that Australia...nah, I'm joking)... but the girl needs to eat some ice cream. nuts. anything with a good fat content. I understand if it's her build and her genes and everything, but it's still not healthy to be underweight. and it sucks to have to fight to reach a healthy weight, but, dude, it's important. note to Tamyra: add exchanges to meal plan.

I think I'm done now. I finally feel like I can breathe again. my meds did squat to help me, or rather (I'm afraid) if my meds were actually controlling my anxiety, I do not want to know what it would have looked like sans alprazolam. Oy. It is not a good thing when you can feel the electric transmissions in your brain. Seen Hook? "Lightning has just struck my brain" and "That must hurt"? Yeah. But it's stopped now, and I'm breathing, and my mom has quit asking me if I'm going to tell the doctor that I had to take anxiety meds to watch tv. (Silly mom maintaining sub-fanatic interest in a show that's all about fanaticism, mumble, mumble.)

***

so, today's been... rather dull in some ways, remarkably ok in others. understanding that I'm at a point with the agoraphobia similar to when I first began working at the eating disorder and had no clue what the underlying issues were may not be cause-for-celebration or anything, but it does lower the pressure a little, and yes - help me keep things in perspective. I don't like considering the possibility that the issues behind my anxiety/ phobias/ blah-blah-blah aren't the same issues that I've been working on all along... I don't like that there's still entirely uncharted territory. it's that whole experience of climbing up and over the whole damn mountain only to find another mountain. and I think it was actually Harriet who promised me it's not an endless range of mountains (for once, I'd rather not consider the source) ... I believe the Superdoc proposed that I think about all the people waiting on those other mountains. and he's probably more on track. I doubt I'll ever make it to the plains. but I could be happy with hills for awhile. and eventually some varied but not exactly rough terrain. preferably in the water. I'd say near the water, but it's a lie. I would want to lie in the water and stay there.

(and before you say anything about coasts or landlocked Midwestern states, and what have you, Oconomowoc has - one thing other than Rogers, ha - a big old lake. so there. I'm defending myself to a computer screen and an imagined audience. and the only audience I have is rather friendly... and was probably more concerned that I have to develop gills in order to live in the water than they were about finding flaws in my flawless paradise. oh, it's all so sad.)

did I have a point at any point? a topic, a thesis, a vague theme to string along through these paragraphs. ah, yes. today. dull. but not all bad. I woke up seriously late because I had the whole heart-pounding-waking-up-every-five-minutes deal last night (even though I wasn't having a nightmare...what is up with that?) and the eventual "coma sleep." I pulled myself out of it, somewhat, but remained groggy, and I spent a good portion of the day squeezing out a short no-pressure-just-journal piece on my friend Heather that I'm not even sure I approve. I feel like it kind of fell apart... but like all my writing right now, I want this to stay loose and freeform, so I'll just let it stay. I had fun writing it, lots of silly memories. oh, and - it's here because my name is Mary, and I need a 12-step program for journal abuse. (but look at the default userpic - look. don't you just want to kiss us for our sweetness? mmm...)

I'm not sure when it started to escalate, but I think between that and an experience I had earlier in the morning, I freaked out a little. in some ways, this is more "letting my ears buzz" ... except I don't have a clear concept of why they're buzzing. I had a dream last night that took place on the last day of school; I belatedly realized it was the last day of my senior year. I was still at N*land, and I was spending a lot of time around a close friend of mine from fifth and sixth grade, Melissa. when I woke up, I started to think about graduation, and how I needed to contact Melissa (again with the "oh, she's such a cool person! I have to try and resume contact!" response) ... and part of me was actually thinking that I needed to get my act together because hello, there are hardly a few weeks left before graduation.

but, see. Melissa was in my class. all of these people from the dream were in my class, and we are all *done* with high school. we graduated. I haven't set foot in that building since I was a sophomore, and I don't plan to go near it ever again. (with the potential exception of the day my brother and his best friend/ bandmate, having reached the peak of their fame, use their power to destroy the house of evil and redeem all that is good in the universe. anyway.) I forget this. I rather easily forget this. I don't know what age I think I am, but it's obviously younger than the actuality; think of my reaction to those kids in Nashville dressed for prom. it took me forever to realize they were younger than I am; I'm constantly floored to find people my age working, driving...doing all sorts of things that they've been doing for years. but I haven't. I don't drive. I never even clocked my hours to take the test. I didn't attend a commencement, either at N*land or the school I enrolled in for those final semesters. and I've never even filled out a job application. I feel especially inferior for that last one: I'm the only one of my siblings who didn't work throughout high school... I'm also the only one who was hospitalized at the time, but it's amazing how often emotion can take down rationale without even a struggle.

(here we go again.)
***

it's almost as if emotion has the support of Hawaii, and rationale just doesn't get a chance.

***
(ok, you're safe.)

yeah. there was another weird incident which started out with something very cool. my first eventhewind diaryring, which I started ages ago but never really mentioned... because unlike most of the others, I don't know that a bunch of you reader-friends-of-mine fit this particular ring, finally, finally, finally received its first member. and that made me all happy-like, more than I even expected... because, with the exceptions of the pro-recovery ring and to some extent the ed-recovery ring, I don't often feel personally lifted when someone joins a ring. knowing they love Ramona is great and all, really, but I make myself a little crazy by trying to welcome everyone to every spucking ring... the charm wears off. (but because I'm me, it does not wear off entirely. I'm still like, "yeay! Ramona!" or "Daniel Striped Tiger! Rock on!" or "everyone loves Mr. Rogers! squee!" and so forth...) this 'new' ring, which is for all of us confused dearlings trying to determine where we fall on the sexuality continuum, ('questioning') is a little bit more of a connection, especially since I grew up so inundated with heterosexist, homophobic, we'd-shove-straight-down-your-throat-if-we-realized-something-else-existed culture that the sudden "you are not alone" means a good deal. for the most part, I know I'm not alone now. I feel weirder for the combination of labels I fit than I do for any one of them alone. I occasionally feel too complicated to fit anywhere. but I can't (or would prefer not to) overlook the connections I have now, all the wonderful friends. I will say, though, that I'm used to communicating with people who went through this a few years back, and - in the spirit of my "I want people right here, right now!" breakthrough on Thursday - it was seriously cool to find someone who's writing about it at this moment, whose details are the same as my own. the detestable conversations about hot boys were on JTT, Leonardo DiCaprio, and the members of Hanson. little things like that... little things that take away the different states, different schools, different lives, and just make me realize there was someone else. Going, "Last week his name was Jonathon Taylor Thomas. And he was not in everyone's locker. Can someone tell me what the hell happened?" "No, I haven't seen Titanic. Really. Six times, huh? Wow. No, I don't plan on going. No. Thanks, though. Have fun. I've heard it's best the seventh time." And finally, "Really. You guys. 'Mmmbop'? Are you fucking kidding me?"

so, I'm being kind of silly now, but that's just for the fun of it. this morning, it meant much. it still does now. but I'm tired and have to clock enough real sleep to survive a major challenge tomorrow. agoraphobia be damned, I am going to my brother's kickass concert. I get to see him play live (with his band, not in my living room) for the first time ever! talk about squee! he's such a rock star. I must get my shit together and request his song. I am so tired of knowing they're playing him on the radio (they did this to me with his first album, too) and never hearing it. I'm his sister and president of his fan club. don't I have rights?

all I want is what I have coming to me. all I want is my fair share. (sally, I discovered much to my surprise, is almost as cool as linus. that's her quote, if you're deprived and didn't catch the connection.)

right now, I would consider a peaceful night's sleep very, very fair. to bed with me. it's past 11:11; I've already made my wish.

~me

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